Christmas peace

Busy build up - driving through the snow on Monday 21st was hair raising, day off work Tuesday as babysitter could not get thru frozen bus stop in north north London....cinema and walk in snowy Regents Park.


Wednesday and Thursday work then finally time to get ready and relax...

24th kids went to see their dad with the babysitter. baby sitter had to take the food with them as he was unable to cook...but they seemed happy enough with the visit...

she said he was "miserable" and she wondered at his state of mental well being... I assured her we had been here before and what would be would be: his life, his choice....

The big day - a lovely time, los of nice presents, Leila got Biscuit the dog and Georgia "my little cousin roxanne" - plus loads more....chaos of unwrapping on the day, then Aunt for turkey lunch.

knock at door and presents delivered by their dad...(repeat to self - "I am not responsible for his misery" - but text messages received later so clearly was "fine"....)

Boxing Day trip to stay over with pregnant friend in Oxford: ice cream sundaes at G&D's on sunday. yummy.

now a week with office closed so can spend time with children and catch up on stuff...

going bald at 13?

bald patches increasing in size on Ix's head...GP referring to dermatologist...probably "alopecia arreata"...will take a year to recover (or not?)...hey ho.

"my mum's friend had this and put garlic paste on her head - after a year the hair grew back..." hmm evidence seems to be that you have to wait a year for it to recover...so dont think will be applying the garlic just yet!

but in the scheme of things, well, he is a boy and what does it matter? if he goes completely bald...well, could be an issue getting him to wear a hat to protect his head. but we shall see.

more car issues!

driving to school, blue van pulls out in front of me...he loses his bumper, i get a dented wing...but we still get to school on time.

a few days later and its apparently £900 for insurer - while the scratched door i asked for estimate as optional extra would be £600 - so will remain scratched...

but we have a nice hire car in the meantime. which plays CDs not tapes! which means "pitufos"...rather than Queen's greatest hits....oh well..took a while to get used to gears again after automatic. car should be repaired by 23 December (snow and parts permitting).

meanwhile mobile phone dies....is also in repair with new hand set to cover. realise contacts were stored on phone not SIM card. and the back up of contacts is on the broken laptop... aargh... need some time to extract from its hard disc...

end of term feeling, the children all finish on Friday but I don't stop work til 4 pm on the 24th, hmph. but ocado.com delivery is booked for 23rd, so all should be fine....

minor irritations as Xmas excitement mounts

Friday morning, out to car for school run - eh? glass on floor, rear small window smashed... oh dear - teen gangs? it will be breezy but we neeed to go. will sort later with insurance.

hang on check glove compartment - dang, the sat nav is gone...
G: "you can buy a new one mummy".

sensible at 7.

absolutely, objects are replaceable.... the glass will be repaired.

this is big news; they rush to tell their school mates! guess what happened...

(realise that I am hopefully teaching them: for some irritations there are solutions, keep calm and carry on...rather than the catastrophic response the Ex would have given).

weekend homework: four sentences on "the festive season":

we put up the Christmas tree (tick, done! bought from street vendor on way home on Friday, much excitement from all, Ix restrained with decorations, only pulling off the tinsel three or four times...he finds Dora the Explorer and Santa on youtube and blasts us with "feliz navidad!" 100 times...)

we give cards and presents to family and friends (behind on those but have some family gifts ready)

we will have Christmas meal with the family (big meal next weekend, my turn to host the siblings and families pre-Xmas Xmas meal and gift exchange, girls very excited, planning the seating arrangements etc)

we go to lots of Christmas fairs and parties (one party, tick, one Christmas fair, tick, one Christmas fair (Brownies) this coming week...and more to follow...)

lists posted to Santa.... feeling relaxed....

I have got someone in place to take kids to the Ex on Christmas Eve so technically speaking they can have Christmas with him then... if he turns up/becomes capable.

if not I think we will make up for it ourselves.

they are realising that he is unreliable, but life goes on and they "can't wait for Christmas!"

"don't you understand?"

"that I am on anti-depressants "

which is apparently a good reason for making contact at 6.20 pm for a 6 pm mid-week contact session with your own children, and justification as to why you cannot have your own children in your own flat and provide them with simple food cooked on your own cooker?

G wants to buy her dad an Xmas present. i say of course, what should we get? she says: a computer. I say, too expensive but mabe a computer accessory..

L says: we should buy him "cooking for dummies".

"don't you understand?"..."that you and our children are my entire life?"

ok, first the "you". I began telling him by email/text (he was in Spain) at end of 2007 it was "over"...in person from end Dec 2007 thu Jan, Feb, March 2008...in front of witnesses eg family therapists (they thought i wasn't clear enough) etc..I physically moved out of the joint home in April 2008 with the kids...

refer here to Lundy Bancroft - risk of someone who has been abusive harming their children on contacts: risk factor j: "Refusal to accept the end of the relationship"

second - the children.
see inability to provide for them/turn up on time for contact above.

He did not turn up for last court hearing so judge was happy to make a final order in his absence - of residence in my favour, plus less contact - she felt he would handle it better - going for the standard once mid-week after school evening plus alternate weekends - supervised "by an appropriate adult".

midweeks Ix's after school carer is in place. (but really he has to make contact before the allocated time to confirm...if not we just start making their dinner at home and he misses the chance...)

weekends he has to find someone, except Sat morning when Ix has carer in place.

Saturday we were all going to Ix's school fair with Ix's carer so he didnt need to find anyone in order to see the girls and Ix. I figured i could loiter at a distance while he communicated with his children...

Ix and carer arrived early - but no news despite the fact she called and texted him. Ix disappointed, had been expecting to see him. We turn up later - still no sign.

never mind! we win prizes on the tombola, chat with some parents, eat mince pies and guess the wieght of the cake and where the treausre is hidden....

sunday his day from 11.00 am...we hear nothing.

get on with life, cake making, cake decorating....

i put plastic crate in shed and tidy up, pondering by midday how to word email to his neighbour on monday in a kind of "can you just let me know if he is alive nothing more" kind of way...phone rings 1.20 p.m. (must get calller display)

me: oh it's dad do you want to talk to him?

kids: no not really...

Ex: can i talk to you please?

me: what?

Ex: can I come round to yours? just spend some time...

me: no, you cannot. you have your own place.

Ex: but I am not capable I cannot cope...

me: you know the deal. you need to organize yourself.

Ex: but I...

me: sorry have to go, bye.

later more text messages - dont you understand... imagine not being supported by the ones you love when you at your worst...if things were wrong you should have told me... bla bla bla..

the only response is: www.drw.org.uk - heck, it might even help him!

the countdown begins....

reindeer at the Christmas fair



L's friend's birthday party - with a Christmas theme.

dropped L and g off at party, at 5 p.m., took Ix down to Notting Hill Gate bookshop then Nando's - returned in the rain to party. had his DVD player ready which he did watch - but also enjoyed touching the blow up santa and listening (and moving grooving to) the disco songs. especially specially-requested YMCA.

one 7 yr old was particularly interested in him and why couldnt he talk? explained about wonky brains...

but with lots of kids running around it was fine - when much younger the idea of taking him to a big noisy bright party would have been more difficult - now so long as he has communication system, DVD player and food he is fine...

a great party - the 8 pm finish turned into 9.15 p.m.!

Sunday a couple hours to clean and tidy up with Ix out with his new student befrienders, then we go to Natural History Museum to meet friends who have got tickets to see Night at the Museum 2 - Ix sits some of it out with Horrid Henry but girls enjoy it.

out in the rain, watch the ice skaters, bus to Picadilly circus and up thru the Christmas lights home...creating Christmas memories...

did do/didn't do

weekend. Ix at respite. so things to do....girls should be with their dad for several hours Sat/Sun... tidying, take stuff to charity shop (Ix is growing growing), call laptop helpline to fix it, buy blade to shave off bottom of front door as it sticks and requires large shove to close (DIY before calling landlady). rake leaves if not raining (build in some exercise). read a book. relax....

so Friday - girls being picked up by friend. go home, pick up Ix, drive to respite, go to meet friends and we all go their local Chinese. no need to rush back for Ix's carer...or take along DVD player/entertainment. respite is just that.

home.

message from their dad - but not about arrangements for tomorrow. he is "sorry for everything i have said or done you can forgive and love".

i have had bank statement for the still-joint account in post so the only thing i can think of to say back is that "the bank account is still £2,000 overdrawn..."

so saturday dawns with a well-you-should-be-seeing-your-dad-but-if-he-does-not-get-in-touch-never-mind...

he does not.

we do music class then dash thru rain to Next for coat for G and Borders book shop to spend book tokens from Aunt E given at beginning of term, Starbucks and home.

out to cinema to see Up. film breaks down in middle - tho restarts - but we get free tickets for next time.

home, X factor...good sleep til 10. ah bliss.

rain has stopped. rake leaves. tick.

off to pick up Ix, via Aldenham park; Ix is happy, we go to Shenley Park tea room and walk. nice autumn day again after yesterday's rain. people are overwhelmingly nice today, bringing their dog for him to stroke etc. actually, mostly people ARE nice.

home, cooking, put washing on, X factor results.

forgot about door - no trip out to Robert Dyas, no new blade....hang on, I remember the sooper-dooper cut everything knife - the man in House of Fraser demo: cutting tomatoes, melons, sawing metal.... that is why I bought it...so I lay on floor shaving off bits of door til it shuts smoothly. Ha. job done. tick.

so - wasn't quite as planned but we had nice weekend, doing things together with girls.

still, is frustrating.
it should not be you might be/you might not be seeing him...

ExP has declined to attend facilitated family meeting, on grounds there is "no point" - it will reiterate that "I" am "winning - "your way: no father no family".

stuck...he is their father.

we cannot be together, it is over.

but he can see his kids, show them he is trustworthy, regain confidence....up to him...

L in conversation with friend:

Friend: "my dad is going to Dubai for 10 weeks and I won't see him!"
L:"well I don't even live with my dad"

so, who won that round?

autumn....

autmn in the park...





and more importantly, seeing Aunty M's nissan micra



far more important than the new arrival



tho he was very proud to tell everyone on Monday about seeing the baby.

as well as reminding them that "M has a purple nissan micra".


(after ExP disappeared from view from Sunday evening text msg, missed contact tues, didnt respond to G's voice mail...rang a few people, all who said they had tried to contact with no response. called police to check on him. they said he was "fine"....he finally reappeared thurs at 6 pm contact time . girls refused to go at short notice. well he had let them down tues....saturday he saw Ix for lunch, but had no one available to supervise sunday. so we were able to go off to see Aunty M with no worries.... see what happens next! .sends text messages - his life is "horrific" he just misses his "family life" he "had before". it aint on offer - but will he ever get that? oh well court hearing soon....

taking it easy...and the case of the missing pumpkin

well the goat was taking it easy, on a damp but warm last-day-of-October.

G's homework for half term (English) was to find pictures of farm animals and write four sentences...so we all went to the city farm to take some pics with Ix's new camera. he was quite happy to come too and walk around the farm but needs more training to actually take pics...tho likes to look at them on computer.


too lazy to go home cook lunch so we ate out - G wanted sausages and mash, L wanted chips...so the usual place in park was out...chips and pasta but no mash usually...fortunately we tried a new place (to us) next to Hampstead Heath which did both sausages and mash AND chips AND fishfingers for Ix - and a nice plate of mezze for me. very pleasant, sitting outside!

bought a pumpkin nearby, home, carving said pumpkin.. girls dressed up and Ix went out to library with carer E.

off to a smart enclave of kensal rise for trick or treating - many houses dress up and welcome groups of children, all very north-kensington-ish and jolly. adults joining in the dressing up too. very civilised... if the house has pumpkin(s), spiders' web, is obviously dressed-up - you call. if not, you dont...one treat per child per time.

treat bags full, home again and meet some local trick-or-treaters...who dip their hands into our treat box and take away handfuls!

we put our lit up pumpkin outside but dont get any more callers...the next morning the pumpkin is gone!

perhaps not so civilised...

Sunday - Ix wakes at 6.30, drags me out of bed to put on TV and computer, i lay on sofa and soon G and L are waking me up - but at least somehow i manage to stay prostrate til 9.00 a.m. without any major disasters....

lazy morning at home, lunch, G's friend comes and we take the girls to a birthday party. escape to the cafe for latte while Ix has crisps/juice and watches his portable DVD player (horrid henry) then we walk nearby to buy Sunday paper before going back to the party. Ix tries to tell everyone about his blood test back in September. is becoming a bit of an obsession...

(no supervisor available so girls didnt see their dad - he sent message asking if he could come to my home to "be a good father to them and play with them".

meeting CAFCASS this week, hopefully can try again to get across the message: is up to him to be a good father to them independently of me; he cannot come to my house after smashing it up in 2008, simple.

and especially if he is not up to being independent and is "low" and needy: I certainly dont need another child to watch over.

of course...I don't mind the children having their friends over to play and looking after that child(ren), but the risks of having him in the house are too great. it just isn't an option. even nearby.

until he shows he fully understands where we are at, then I just cannot be even in the vicinity of him....no, not even his "can I just go for a walk with you all"...no, no, no...

how long wil it take to get the message across?

birthday weekend...

Happy Birthday teenager!

birthday on friday...dinner at Nandos with the after-school girls, people who love and care for Ix....a present, a digital camera designed to be dropped and taken out and about...

( his dad made no contact til 8.30 P.M - saying "sorri I didnt get the text msgs" - the one the evening before telling him Ix was off school and around in the morning and lunchtime to meet, the one on friday morning from P saying do you want to meet....i move from the "no response" zone and say: you have no excuse. he admits "i did read the message but i am not well.."

saturday - Ix out with E, no word from dad til 11.00 but they do they meet dad in the cafe which Ix does not usually go to on saturdays - at dad's insistence...myself and girls walk past this cafe on way back from buying halloween gear - they see us and Ix get stressed, later E calls me -they've gone off, left the food here ! they come back later...E and Ix go to bookshop, dad too, says he has present for his son but does not go and get it???? hard to comprehend...not even this can motivate him to get over his intention to be "ill" and "unable to cope"?

later, myself, girls and Ix go visit friends, it was A's birthday too on thurs, we have cakes and candles. Ix smiles and enjoys our singing this time. enjoying his new Horrid Henry DVDs...

Sunday - just me and the kids, N fails to make any contact, he has not arranged any one to come with him to see his son... a walk to the community cafe - Ix's saturday cafe - for the usual - fish fingers with chips and salad - just the cucumber and tomato please... i watch the waitress serve a vision-impaired man, an elderly gentleman, who does not talk...she is attentive... he writes laboriously on a paper his order, then - hand over hand, here is the food, here is the fork...clearly a regular like Ix... this is why Ix comes here on a saturday, they are so accomodating. food is cheap and fresh, is vastly different from the posh deli-cafe a short walk away.

then we walk on down to regent's park.



clown of eastern european origin and little English is slightly flummoxed at Ix's desire to tell him about the time when the nurse took blood at the hospital

but the police man is spot on - he starts with a "hello what's going on here" jovially seeing Ix feel his car, then immediately twigs that Ix is different - but talks to him directly and lets him sit in the car.



no one complains it's been a great outing on a lovely autumn day






relaxed, happy - we/I have come a long way since this time last year.

later, aunt visits with more cake and candles.

"dad is sick" - oh well. it is his responsibility to get the help he needs....later i text him about financial issues, there is 4,000 needed for managing agents of joint-owned flats...and get back "i cannot cope with this". "can you help me?" "i was fine when we were together" "i am sorry i was violent in 2007 and 2008 - but i wasn't before that was I?" ...but in some ways this needy, whiny, justifying, you-could-save-me phase is easier than the bullying, aggressive phase... now that i feel immune...as somebody once said: "the opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference"...tho I do feel angry on behalf of the kids.

the train to Holyhead will leave from platform 7...

so many journeys along the North Wales coast line from Euston...yet the one to the speed course was the first time alone on a train in so long...

remembering the journeys....heading home from first trip abroad, hiking with Girl Guides in Switzerland, a mammoth train and boat journey...seeing the sea along the North Wales coast through the dark...

heading home from a summer language refresher course in london age 18, fresh from teenage romps in regents park with a public school boy - the first i met (and maybe the last?) - catching the sun set as the train heads west and seeing the sea again....

heading home, many times, as a student from uni in London, nursing the hangovers and all-night-party headache...sitting in corridors on rucksacks...

heading home on the train from three months study in Leningrad in the Soviet Union in 1985, eyes and brain swimming with the culture shock, the colours, the adverts, the availability of "stuff"...

heading home from Mexico after a post grad year there teaching English, lurching to the British Rail toilet every half hour, belly swollen with what later proved to be a large intestinal worm...or worms, plus who knows what other parasites...

heading "home" - now, home has changed...I am a mother so is my mother and father's home still "home"?

i have a newborn son, three weeks old, his dad has gone off with work to United States so i head "home" to mum with small baby.

to make a point, she provides a cardboard box lined with old blankets - "it is all they need"... he feeds, on and off, a lot..."not a problem so long as he is putting on weight" says mum.

but he is not...the health visitor has told me to get him weighed while in wales...i don't....i have niggling doubts, this is not as it should be...

now, years later, trips to north wales have been in the car, with one child, with two, with three...more often than not without their dad who is "too busy working", and later he is an ex so doesn't come..

so now, returning home to London on the train ex-Holyhead to Euston which I have picked up in Chester...

filling in the survey form about my child's use of a voice output communication device...that baby who was not feeding well turned out to have so many issues....

tick the boxes:

does the VOCA improve your child's life - yes

family situation - has having a disabled child affected your relationship - tick, yes

married, separated, single.... tick, separated.

it has been a long journey, many journeys...but now I am going home to my complex, complicated wonderful son, my two argumentative, clever, funny daughters, my life....

more journeys to follow, tracks travelled before, repeating that journey to North Wales with the children, even by car the first views of the North Wales coast still have that tug - see, the sea! the first glimpse as you speed (well not actually speeding obviously..) down the A55...which wasn't there on those first train journeys, it was a long and winding coast road then....the sea view never fails to disappoint....

today, new tracks to find and follow...seeing the girls begin that journey of life, see them begining to discover, to plan their futures; seeing my son grow physically into an adolescent teenager, planning (for him) his journey into adulthood...

there is comfort in knowing that the ritual of journeys to North Wales will continue for some time...

welcome to the club....

of those who travel half way across the country to attend the North Wales police speed awareness course!

yes - hands up - we had all sped at between 33-39 mph in a 30 mph limit road...

taxi driver at Fflint station knew exactly where I needed to go - "been naughty then?"

but I hadn't travelled the furthest - they come from Glasgow, Brighton, Bath....

in my group was Mr White Hair - who had "been driving 53 years and never had an accident".


White van man, younger, shuffled sheepishly...


Mrs well-dressed-lady from Stafford said she had four boys in late teens/ early 20s - she was always telling them to be careful when they went out in the car but they now have the ideal retort: "you are the one on the speed awareness course, mum!"

North Wales police caught her on a mobile Smart car with camera...

oh well. the trainer was quite jolly and it was worth the £60...and we all left speed aware. street lights mean 30 mph!!

other clubs I have inadvertently not expected to join: special needs club, autism club, coeliac (parent of child with) club....dealing with a (ex)partner's severe mental illlness/mental health crisis club, angry and controlling partner club, emotional abuse/domestic violence...

there is a U.S based child neurology forum which welcomes new members thus: "sorry you have to be here - but glad you found us". there is something heartwarming about getting somewhere where other people understand where you are coming from, people who feel the same pain but are keen also to seek (and give) support and help....

Special Kids in the UK is a great place to be if you are in the UK and have a child with special needs...one club to stay attached to.

And another U.S/UK internet club I regularly visit - here are long-time friends, we have "known" each other (some of us) since 1998 as parents of children with hypotonia...we watch each other's children grow into teens - see ourselves grow too...

A week or so ago I met some lovely ladies from the "divorced and separated" club. we ate dinner, drank - had collective moans and a laugh. it was uplifting...

This week - I joined a book club. this one - probably the first club in a long time - I choose to join of my own free will. No links to my life other than a love of reading. It was great to Read and Discuss. nice bunch of people, meeting in a north London pub....set books to read now for next month...

life moves on, and new clubs to join....

still here...

blogs in my head, no time - or rather exhaustion.

sent Ix off today with his dad and the friend who is supervising but exP looked very ill...he has been sending extreme text msgs, about "being all together again" which is just not reality...i hope the friend stays with and tells him to get help...

but at least today we girls can go shopping :)

contact with their dad been very mixed and mostly has resulted in tension all round due to changes in pick up times from his end, need to change to an alternate weekend schedule so we not dependent every weekend as at present.

finance - joint account heavily overdrawn due to exP's spending on refurbishing joint owned flat(s). now he says he has no money to eat... only option now is to sell both flats a.s.a.p and each take share of whatever equity...in meantime demands of £2000 per flat by December for sinking fund/refurbishment fund...

schools good but girls school closed for four days due to roof collapsing! sudden need for childcare aargh made arrangements with other parents and friend's friend's au pair's friend...

hopefully now back to normal. last week was school but no after school club - shows how much L needs that structured time to get homework done without distractions of little sister, TV and other goings on...

work busy, but achieved good media event and feel positive...

how to kill a grandad?

monday. court hearing .


"i want to see my children every day"

"my dad, he is 82, he has parkinsons, he hasnt seen his grandchildren for two years"

thursday.
girls with M. M calls - N says he wants girls to go to his flat to call grandad it is his birthday.

ok, if they want to.
L says no she is busy, they at the museum, they dont want to leave. she will see him tomorrow, as agreed.

I tell M - tell N - I am happy to call his dad tonight with the girls. we can wish him happy birthday.

M says: N says No! "it will kill him" "don't you understand, he doesnt know that she has taken away my kids..."

a month previously - my dad calls me (74 year old, had a stroke)
- N has called he wants to know why you wont let him see the children....

it isn't quite true - they are seeing him. long story.

but is it age? over 80 you might kill someone with a phone call telling the truth?
if you can't tell your own family the truth - do you ever believe it yourself?

a summer wedding

remind me not to follow the new tomtom down the m3 but take the usual quieter route!

so we went to a wedding - my little sister



Ix behaved impeccably
at dinner -tho did take walks after and watched portable DVD



girls had fun with family and cousins

summer's end

It's raining. warm rain. getting ready for school. Ix has already started school and is happy with new class. His LEA have ordered his new communication device, woo hoo.

but during the summer we found a beach

a windy one



we had a room with a view




we walked we cycled we went to the circus



he was very attentive



to scantily clad girls twirling hula hoops




while girls liked the range of animals including


a high rise goat, monkey, llama, dogs...

not a beach....

but hot and sunny Spain, with friends, lots of children around, small town with main square to have coffee with ice (me) coca cola/lemonade (kids) and crisps...afternoons in the pool, friend organized a local man to help with Ix, someone who has been working with disabled children, so it worked out very well for the afternoons at the pool.

(wondering just why we never went to the pool when we used to go with the ex to Spain? it was always a problem - too hot, too cold, too this, too that...)

madness ryanair, delays and extra costs due to too many kilos of luggage, vomits on way out but thankfully Ix fine on way back, tho kept asking for toilet - regardless of seatbelt sign on....skipped thru passport control avoiding queues, kudos to Stansted customer services for understanding that one tired autistic boy doesnt do queues. thank you!

back to work, one week, and playschemes, then off again!

wake up those muscles...

went to new forest and rode ponies - suffered for two days after! muscles not used to it...
G and L loved it.


but was great and good weather.


Girls are great travellers, I so enjoy taking them places. On the train down to Brockenhurst, there were no seats, so we sat on floor next to bicycle rack. absolutely fine.... still cannot help hearing in my head what the reaction would have been from Ex: oh this is terrible, we should not have come, you should have booked a different train, you should have, should have,,, bla bla bla.

once we went swimming, when G was small, taking all three to the disabled swim session. so few people, everyone accepting...but the ex made such a fuss over the changing rooms, over the bags, over this over that....we never went again.

anyway back to the wonders of Brockenhurst - wandering in the forest, watching cars splash thru the fords...


lost in the forest...


Ix was at respite - D. took him there in her open top MG car so he was well pleased.

here, there and everywhere

girls are off school, out and about.

weekend we all saw Going on a Bear Hunt live http://www.bearhuntlive.com/ which Ix really enjoyed, followed by bus to Disney store where he fell in love with a ariel toy. first time in his life he has insisted on buying a soft toy...

sunday Ix went with M to see his dad...me and girls went to animal rescue home open day and saw tippitoes from Britain's Got Talent!
<

guess the pest!

we on top of the lice...

the mice have gone and the holes have been blocked..

so, I come back from a dinner out (rare ocurence!) and baby sitter says: "ther . is. something. in. there!" she thinks it is a dead something because there are lots of black flying things...lots of black crawling things.

G says: "look mummy i have been collecting some in a pot."

turns out they are flying ants. masses of them. i don't have ant killer but on my last trip to Poundland i bought a deadly kitchen cleaner spray (whcih you would not want to use anywhere near your kitchen: highly toxic!) so aim that at them and the hole they coming fom.

it works! lots of dead ones...

meanwhile, Friend who we were going to see yesterday has cancelled: her house is crawling with bed bugs and they will be fumigated on Monday.... she is busy buying new bedding etc...

rolling around in Wales

so that is what the hamster felt like...

can we build it?

yes we can!

a box...



hmmm...



some time later...




a bit small, so....




yippee!




this is more than just a climbing frame - this is a "built by mum" climbing frame.

with time patience and assistance from the girls.

and a lesson that: "yes we can!" - instructions, an allan key, time...

we don't always need a man around....

5.25 a.m.; 5.25 a.m.: why?

i can relay on Ix to wake me up, daily by 7.30 a.m. at the latest.

but sometimes he gets into a routine - he wakes up, i look at clock; 6.57. next morning, same time, 6.57.

but this morning and day before: 5.25. a.m. not even CBEEBIES is awake...tho they do put a nice doodeedoodedoo with visuals up - you will know if you have tuned in before 6.00 a.m.!

so he wakes up, gets out of bed, grunts at me to come, puts remote control in my hand, then his communciation device to turn it on..then we sit and talk about the day, where are we going on the weekend, and which CBEEBIES character has lost what...

I try and get away with lying down and closing my eyes, but being autistic he doesn't even notice my eyes are closed...

(try it with a non-ASD child - they will immediately start saying "open your eyes mummy!!")

but he sits on me, grunts and grabs my hand to point to the device or a word in a book or whatever.

when he types and the device says loudly: "please may i have an apple" i have no choice but to get up...

at least going to bed is controlled by melatonin - it guarantees to get him to sleep within 40 minutes of taking it. which is a major difference from those long nights of being up til 11, 12, 1.0 a.m. with a child who refuses to sleep

but increasing amount of sleep is another matter...

not a teenager yet! maybe when he turns 13 in October...

but will try keeping him up later tonight...generally tho it makes no difference. once stuck on a time, that is it for a few days... maybe going swimming with school today will help?

aargh.....zzzzzzz.

caught up....

completed my two quarterly returns Sept to Dec and Jan to March, for the direct payments for Ix's carers; yeh...

took a few goes to get it all to add up but did it. it always seems a daunting task but isn't once you get down to it...

phew...one less thing on the list.

tomorrow have to ring to confirm L's tooth extraction operation for 13 May.....

and do the gluten free food prescription ...

and more importantly, do the passport info for our ryanair flights to Spain - to stay with friend - in August. It did start off at £0.99 per ticket but add in taxes, luggage bla bla bla and it all adds up. but will be fun.

...and Rome....

intense planning paid off:

packing done, picked up Ix from playscheme central London and up towards M25 to drop off at respite; drive back to leave car, pick up luggage. train to Gatwick; plenty of time for eating...plane then taxi organized by hotel, who had emailed to ask if I needed it. not cheapest way but needs must on a late flight...

so a late night but ready and eager the next day for sightseeing, meeting up with Sister and BIL in the morning. who had travelled by train via France to save the environment...

L studied Romans last term so was excited.

G age six was happppy to wander, see, too.

coloseo fun for all...



G particularly liked walking on the "big cockle stones" - "can we go again please?"




and the "mouth of truth" was a big hit



you cannot beat Italian gelati:




we climbed many steps... the Spanish ones of course





and spent time in the park, including on hire bikes





It was a great trip - the Sunday we got up, had breakfast, packed, paid, took train to airport - just missed one train and got stuck in security queues but boarded flight just in time.

arrived back - Ix had been picked up by his carer and was absolutely fine.

could we have done Rome with him?

yes - with a carer in tow, with plenty of downtime with DVD, computer, wholly organized, less "oh let's go this way...".

but ultimately, his needs are different and it is OK to spend time differently - and with the other two. who also need some "attention".

While he was well cared for and happpy in his own room at respite residence, and with a routine he knows well.

"I went to bed at respite" he told me proudly on his computer when we were all back and ready for bed at home again.

It is all about creating memories, good memories, good times...

they were the best of travelling companions, with each other, with me.

will do it again sometime!

next holidays will be with Ix, based around his needs as well as the girls; but the way is open to take advantage of the residential respite and go on many more mini-adventures...

catch up quack

London duck tour - early April.

with medical students who take Ix out, part of a wonderful programme which will help future doctors become more aware of disabilities.



G was out with friends for the day so went with L and Ix, students and their partners...

London views



After, Macdonalds then wander down southbank, meeting weird and wonderful people en route:






and the clear favourite:




seems we will HAVE to go to Eurodisney soon...

catching up with myself...

behind ...need to get quarterly direct payments returns done by end April... is an hour or so but a clear hour sat with the paperwork...impossible!

aargh....

not sure where time goes, but have been pottering in garden, making most of sun! planitng potato tubers with girls, out and about....

and the children had first supervised contact session with their dad saturday, which seemed to go ok.

so there was two hours free for ME...- hmmm - paperwork - or quick look round primark, poundland and a cappuccino in nice cafe?

is a no-brainer...

"I went to bed at the night"

early in the morning...dragged to lounge, put on CBEEBIES.

turn on Ix's communication device - he always asks for it first thing.

begin usual conversation -

"aunty M has a purple car nissan micra"

"go to school on monday"

"Sunday go visit friends"

"let's go to P's house"

"peter lost his rabbit horrid henry took it"

lots of autistic scripts...some predictive typing, some set stored phrases.

"may I have some crunchy nut cornflakes please"


then i go to make my tea, he sits on floor near tv to watch "mama mirabelles home movies adventures" on CBEEBIES, eating his (dry) cornflakes.

they are talking about nocturnal creatures who sleep in the day; and those creatures who sleep in the night. the owl sleeps in the day. the tiger sleeps at night...

he types...

brings to me:

"I went to bed at the night"

with predictive he has actually typed "I we.. to be.. at th. ni..." but he has chosen the words...

a near perfect sentence, topical, a comment

very proud :)

craving....

a child who wakes at 6 a.m. and is just about persuaded to stay in bed til 7.30 as is holidays...

routinely wakes at 7.00 a.m. latest 7.30 a.m. - is a good alarm clock - but on weekends: 6.00 a.m. why?

get up, put on CBEEBIES, put food....slump on sofa, close eyes...

never sleeps in on a weekend. maybe when he really becomes a teenager?

so yes i should go to bed earlier but need some "me time" too....aaarghzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

the party...

was attended by an owl



an armadillo

a very large cockroach, a tarantula, bat and more.

and of course, the snake...


we had a great time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NINE YEARS OLD !!