a week with heavy cold - or was it swine flu - dropped girls at school Weds then went to bed...helped some...
revived enough by saturday to celebrate my birthday with friends over for lunch - adults chat, eat, drink; and children play, just as it should be.
five years ago i turned 40 - and hosted a similar format but bigger lunch party with friends and children...40 felt good, i had the three children i wanted, a good job, friends....a "husband"(unmarried partner) who was not perfect, far from it, but i thought i could tolerate ("for the sake of the kids"?)and muddle along with....
two years into the "five-year plan" he went on a downward spiral into self-harm, depression, some kind of mental health "episode" - and it all became much clearer just how much i had given of myself..."tolerate" from here now looks like martyrdom...it was too much of a struggle...
it sounds mean - if you see it as me not being around for someone who became "ill" - but there was a lot more to it than that. the issues went back much further than the "crisis" (and in a way that episode "saved" me - and the children...)
learning that an adult is responsible for themselves and their own health issues - especially when those issues impact so dramatically on those around them - and discovering that i had a choice whether to be with him or not - were defining moments.....
anyway, life at 45 is good, as single, separated, parent, having built, i hope, a safe, secure family unit where their contact with their dad can be kept safe and good. and hopefully positive.
and miles and miles away from having to live day-to-day with someone who became more and more controlling, needy, dangerous, etc, etc.... even if i still have to deal with minor irritations over contact, finances etc. more of that another day...
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Sunday, 31 January 2010
hair..gone....mostly...
a new cut to show off the alopecia...
he isn't bothered...in fact now shares a look with his bus driver!
but has taken himself to bed with a bad cold - and a large dose of calcold....
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
encounter with the ex....
so EX came to doorstep with papers i needed to sign (still not sorted out financial separation, seeing barrister soon).
some bla bla about money we jointly liable for, needs to be paid end February - well i don't have the money, i am not paying that, . well neither am i... stalemate...
then - "it is so humiliating standing on the door step.."
well, last time you came in my house you smashed up my door with your fist...
"you know i really regret that, it should not have happened and it won't happen again..."
except - he didn't say that.
he said:
"well, I smashed my fist through your door because on that day you said to me that (bla bla bla).."
it isn't important what i had said - nothing can justify a violent reaction.
and nothing justifies continuing to believe in his entitlement to act aggressively 18 months later...
i said I am not going to discuss any more, goodbye.
he put his foot in the door so i could not shut it... "you are so abusive" he said.
I said, goodbye...he left.
today: message to the children:
"why dont you come to the cafe after school to see me. mummy can come too and have hot soup".
some game is being played....
this is the post-depressive phase...and it is scary.
some bla bla about money we jointly liable for, needs to be paid end February - well i don't have the money, i am not paying that, . well neither am i... stalemate...
then - "it is so humiliating standing on the door step.."
well, last time you came in my house you smashed up my door with your fist...
"you know i really regret that, it should not have happened and it won't happen again..."
except - he didn't say that.
he said:
"well, I smashed my fist through your door because on that day you said to me that (bla bla bla).."
it isn't important what i had said - nothing can justify a violent reaction.
and nothing justifies continuing to believe in his entitlement to act aggressively 18 months later...
i said I am not going to discuss any more, goodbye.
he put his foot in the door so i could not shut it... "you are so abusive" he said.
I said, goodbye...he left.
today: message to the children:
"why dont you come to the cafe after school to see me. mummy can come too and have hot soup".
some game is being played....
this is the post-depressive phase...and it is scary.
Monday, 18 January 2010
Sunday, 17 January 2010
the up phase of "depression"
Ex appears to be in an "up" phase. calmer...kids have noticed: "i think he is improved" says G.
they saying they happy to go to his place unaccompanied, in fact they have stayed for 40 minutes/an hour with him alone - tho only after carer has taken them to him and satistfied they happy and playing; and has been to pick them up afterwards and bring them home at the appointed time. they have not wanted to stay beyond that time, despite him asking them to do so.
he has cooked dinner for them several times.
he has organized with his friends this weekend to come pick them up (tho has not taken advantage of the full time allocated by court order, so has been 3 hours today when could have been six).
he is "organizing the girls' room" in his flat.
is all good...there is nothing I would like more than to be able to happily send them off to spend time with him.
but...I feel uneasy...
the "ups" have always been followed by "downs" before.
and he is still sending text messages accusing me of being "abusive"(by having left him) and messages insisting that Ix's alopecia must be due to the stress of living in a "broken family".
and messages saying "i want to see my children every day" - which isn't going to happen and doesn't reflect the actual situation...or indeed what the children may want.
and we have not yet sorted out financial matters...
I hear in my head: "tread carefully...for you know not what lies beneath the surface..."
in past years, looking back - he has - often in the early part of a new year - been active, focused, achieving, organized - sometimes has pushed for something specific when I may have dropped it.
Sometimes, to good effect, but sometimes has run away with an idea which has been unfeasible or impractical, or has assumed that other people would automatically fall in with plans for them - without asking them).... but the fall inevitably comes. or the reality of what he has been striving for just cannot happen (eg 2006 - was focused on searching for a property to buy, but ran away with property way above our budget or grandiose plans to rebuild one, when a minor restructuring would have sufficed and been within budget...fortunately, that purchase fell through.)
i need to (continue to) protect myself - and the children.
stick to the rules (eg court order for contact arrangements).
don't relax the boundaries.
and while G is happy - after all, she wants a loving, happy, daddy - L is still wary: "he needs to show he has improved a lot before i can trust him".
wise words from a nearly 10 year old. she has again brought up the promises he has made and the list of things/pets he promised her but which have never materialised.
And I was proud of her yesterday for expressing her view strongly - they were with him and his friend, it was 6 pm, they were to come home; he sent message saying "are you happy for them to stay with me and I will bring them back later?". for me, it would be up to them...the other carer had said he was putting pressure on them to stay the other day....I called his home phone, asked to speak to L. said "do you want to stay a bit longer just with him - and he brings you home - or come home now, with X?". She said clearly: "come home now".
he did respect that.
they saying they happy to go to his place unaccompanied, in fact they have stayed for 40 minutes/an hour with him alone - tho only after carer has taken them to him and satistfied they happy and playing; and has been to pick them up afterwards and bring them home at the appointed time. they have not wanted to stay beyond that time, despite him asking them to do so.
he has cooked dinner for them several times.
he has organized with his friends this weekend to come pick them up (tho has not taken advantage of the full time allocated by court order, so has been 3 hours today when could have been six).
he is "organizing the girls' room" in his flat.
is all good...there is nothing I would like more than to be able to happily send them off to spend time with him.
but...I feel uneasy...
the "ups" have always been followed by "downs" before.
and he is still sending text messages accusing me of being "abusive"(by having left him) and messages insisting that Ix's alopecia must be due to the stress of living in a "broken family".
and messages saying "i want to see my children every day" - which isn't going to happen and doesn't reflect the actual situation...or indeed what the children may want.
and we have not yet sorted out financial matters...
I hear in my head: "tread carefully...for you know not what lies beneath the surface..."
in past years, looking back - he has - often in the early part of a new year - been active, focused, achieving, organized - sometimes has pushed for something specific when I may have dropped it.
Sometimes, to good effect, but sometimes has run away with an idea which has been unfeasible or impractical, or has assumed that other people would automatically fall in with plans for them - without asking them).... but the fall inevitably comes. or the reality of what he has been striving for just cannot happen (eg 2006 - was focused on searching for a property to buy, but ran away with property way above our budget or grandiose plans to rebuild one, when a minor restructuring would have sufficed and been within budget...fortunately, that purchase fell through.)
i need to (continue to) protect myself - and the children.
stick to the rules (eg court order for contact arrangements).
don't relax the boundaries.
and while G is happy - after all, she wants a loving, happy, daddy - L is still wary: "he needs to show he has improved a lot before i can trust him".
wise words from a nearly 10 year old. she has again brought up the promises he has made and the list of things/pets he promised her but which have never materialised.
And I was proud of her yesterday for expressing her view strongly - they were with him and his friend, it was 6 pm, they were to come home; he sent message saying "are you happy for them to stay with me and I will bring them back later?". for me, it would be up to them...the other carer had said he was putting pressure on them to stay the other day....I called his home phone, asked to speak to L. said "do you want to stay a bit longer just with him - and he brings you home - or come home now, with X?". She said clearly: "come home now".
he did respect that.
snow gone
shame, did look nice.
rain yesterday but sunny today. feeling warm...
Ix out for a walk with his student befrienders, took girls to Marine Ices for yummy dollops of ice cream, chocolate sauce, chocolate bits, etc.
In the afternoon the girls went out with their dad, so set off on marathon walk with Ix as he has been obsessing about seeing some friends in Kentish Town - as it happened, they weren't in... but it satisfied his curiosity to knock on their door and he accepted "not at home". seems happier to have at least been to their house even if they not in...the weird way his mind works....
the good thing about London is there is always a quick way back home after an hour's walk - train took five minutes to West Hampstead!
rain yesterday but sunny today. feeling warm...
Ix out for a walk with his student befrienders, took girls to Marine Ices for yummy dollops of ice cream, chocolate sauce, chocolate bits, etc.
In the afternoon the girls went out with their dad, so set off on marathon walk with Ix as he has been obsessing about seeing some friends in Kentish Town - as it happened, they weren't in... but it satisfied his curiosity to knock on their door and he accepted "not at home". seems happier to have at least been to their house even if they not in...the weird way his mind works....
the good thing about London is there is always a quick way back home after an hour's walk - train took five minutes to West Hampstead!
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
snow - but everyone is on time
3 cm of snow but everyone gets to school and work more or less on time!
marvellous... hoping it does stay for the weekend.
marvellous... hoping it does stay for the weekend.
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