Sunday 28 February 2010

spring? when!

spring lambs... colouritgreen.wordpress.com - a long way from today's rainy damp walk thru urban sprawl, and the damp, waterlogged, urban garden...



still, we did come face to face with wildlife last weekend on an escape to Woburn with the girls while Ix had a great time at respite.



lovely to stay in a nice hotel, have nice meal with glass of wine and enjoy the girls' company.

but today a long-overdue visit to friends during which Ix chatted non-stop on his device, impressing all...friends who first met Ix age just two... we've come a long way along the rollercoaster ride and not just Ix' issues...

now waiting for girls to come back from their dad's - but they are there with his friend and her two daughters, who they haven't seen to play with since about October last year (when he became too depressed to make any arrangements with his friends...) ...so forgiven for late night on a Sunday.

this time...

Monday 15 February 2010

wheels to freedom



colleague at work had bought a new bike so this was free...with a service and a few new bits it wil be fine.

cannot wait to get on it and ride....

the bald look

Sunday 7 February 2010

older, wiser?

a week with heavy cold - or was it swine flu - dropped girls at school Weds then went to bed...helped some...

revived enough by saturday to celebrate my birthday with friends over for lunch - adults chat, eat, drink; and children play, just as it should be.

five years ago i turned 40 - and hosted a similar format but bigger lunch party with friends and children...40 felt good, i had the three children i wanted, a good job, friends....a "husband"(unmarried partner) who was not perfect, far from it, but i thought i could tolerate ("for the sake of the kids"?)and muddle along with....

two years into the "five-year plan" he went on a downward spiral into self-harm, depression, some kind of mental health "episode" - and it all became much clearer just how much i had given of myself..."tolerate" from here now looks like martyrdom...it was too much of a struggle...

it sounds mean - if you see it as me not being around for someone who became "ill" - but there was a lot more to it than that. the issues went back much further than the "crisis" (and in a way that episode "saved" me - and the children...)

learning that an adult is responsible for themselves and their own health issues - especially when those issues impact so dramatically on those around them - and discovering that i had a choice whether to be with him or not - were defining moments.....

anyway, life at 45 is good, as single, separated, parent, having built, i hope, a safe, secure family unit where their contact with their dad can be kept safe and good. and hopefully positive.

and miles and miles away from having to live day-to-day with someone who became more and more controlling, needy, dangerous, etc, etc.... even if i still have to deal with minor irritations over contact, finances etc. more of that another day...