Friday, 28 November 2008


regular wednesday drop off (indirect contact) this week.

girls very happy to get - peppa pig's house and littlest pet shop house.

they had written to their father the week before to request these after he had delivered peppa pig figurines. well, i had urged them to write, but in the end they said theywere "too busy" so I said - look dictate to me, and then sign. which they did. I do not discourage contact but they are not overly keen on writing/drawing for him. not without a push. which I try to strike a balance between urging them to do so (when they know that I do not keep contact myself? perhaps is confusing.)

L age 8 said:

"mummy, if you had not sep-a-rat-ed then we would not now be getting these nice presents, would we?"


she always says the word sep-a-rat-ed like that. sep-a-rat-ed.

wondering if her young mind recalls the times he used to say (shout, stamp and scream) "the children got too many Christmas presents"? (they were not overly spoilt compared to friends). "there are too many toys in this house".

or the time a few years ago when he decided they had too many toys, just after Christmas, and scooped up half of them - without consulting which were old or new! - and took them off to local hospital.

who were indeed grateful...

I have constant clear outs for charity/other friends' children (especially the more special needs oriented toys), but still reel from returning home to find the expensive baby doll bought by the (favourite) nanny had been given away with no consultation.

view from the office window...

pic copyright LA
when i get time to admire it....

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

tis the season to be sick

oldest child coughing all night. temperature in the morning and not cured by nurofen for kids call school bus, no school today. yesterday i had to leave work to pick him up at lunchtime as he had fallen asleep at school and was quite flushed..... but had hoped it would be a 24 hour one.

is a pain as today he had dentist* at school and a social worker visit. make calls all round including to work; put I plus girls in car, drop girls at school, return home, put tv cbeebies on and computer. check work emails.

is working parent nightmare, with holiday leave days running out before year end and no day time carer to call on (I know one who is definitely busy today...). Not to mention the lack of sleep issue which makes going to work harder anyway.

oh well. hopefully he will be back to school tomorrow. and virus won't go round, cross fingers.

*I attends a wonderful specialist autism school, which besides everything else has a visiting dentist (special needs paeadiatric dentist) and dentist room with dentist chair etc.

the dentist works with the children and their one to one workers to develop the skills needed for a dental inspection - sitting on the chair, tolerating the lights, tolerating mouth inspection and - this one is hard for I - actually opening mouth wide for inspection. Each small step can be hard for a child with autism and extreme sensory issues.

a vital life skill.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

who snapped the aerial off my car?

hmpph. new (old) car and the aerial has been snapped off. the only one in the street to lose its aerial....

usually after dropping girls at school I get to listen to ten minutes of Radio 4. on the way to drop the car before the mad tube rush to work (grabbing my cafe- latte-no-sugar at the local coffee bar - they know me now which is nice :) .

until new aerial is fixed I have to just continue with the Mamma Mia! tape which is the girls' choice.....

Thursday, 13 November 2008

so sad

three children gone, in the space of as many weeks. lost to families on the forum I frequent for families of children and young people with special needs. Two two year olds and an eight year old. Two very sudden, one after a hospital stay.

life is just too short.

sherokee ilse says:
Forget Me Not ©1993
Our little ones whisper,
“Forget me not,”
As their specialness wraps
Around our aching hearts.

Their short little lives
Hold meaning and love.
Their spirits have touched us—
Each and everyone.

Thursday, 6 November 2008

Do I cause his depression?

SoI got myself a new car.

And I also asked the ex to give me some of my belongings from the joint-owned flat to my and the childrens' rented home.

Which by the way we love, it is nicer than the old flat and has a lovely garden.

He did drop off a load of stuff. Lots of clothes going to charity - I lost weight, they too big! Yes, I did feel something, another sense of closure of the relationship. A sense of grieving at what could have been - but really wasn't.

Anyway, another text msg reads:

"You don’t know how much all of this is inadvertently hurting me. I feel you have been unfair, radical, brutal, unkind, unloving not only to me but chains me in my depression."

I hope he can bring these things up at his therapy sessions.

I am reading a new book:

It's My Life Now by Meg Kennedy Dugan (Author), Roger R. Hock (Author).

New car, new names?

I have a new car! it is the first ever car I own myself as opposed to being a named driver.

My aunt gave me her old car, it is a sedan automatic and great! more room for the children.

So I gave back the small city runner to my ex (OK i drove to his place and ran away, dropping the keys in the letterbox with a note - here is the car back, you free to sell it. slightly furtive, but I had to go to work and besides, I don't feel comfortable in his presence.).

he sent a text msg:

"what can I say the car is yours and kids as mine! .... If you wanted it to be in your name you only needed to ask. Are you going to change the names of our children next?"

Not sure I follow the logic there....