Christmas peace

Busy build up - driving through the snow on Monday 21st was hair raising, day off work Tuesday as babysitter could not get thru frozen bus stop in north north London....cinema and walk in snowy Regents Park.


Wednesday and Thursday work then finally time to get ready and relax...

24th kids went to see their dad with the babysitter. baby sitter had to take the food with them as he was unable to cook...but they seemed happy enough with the visit...

she said he was "miserable" and she wondered at his state of mental well being... I assured her we had been here before and what would be would be: his life, his choice....

The big day - a lovely time, los of nice presents, Leila got Biscuit the dog and Georgia "my little cousin roxanne" - plus loads more....chaos of unwrapping on the day, then Aunt for turkey lunch.

knock at door and presents delivered by their dad...(repeat to self - "I am not responsible for his misery" - but text messages received later so clearly was "fine"....)

Boxing Day trip to stay over with pregnant friend in Oxford: ice cream sundaes at G&D's on sunday. yummy.

now a week with office closed so can spend time with children and catch up on stuff...

going bald at 13?

bald patches increasing in size on Ix's head...GP referring to dermatologist...probably "alopecia arreata"...will take a year to recover (or not?)...hey ho.

"my mum's friend had this and put garlic paste on her head - after a year the hair grew back..." hmm evidence seems to be that you have to wait a year for it to recover...so dont think will be applying the garlic just yet!

but in the scheme of things, well, he is a boy and what does it matter? if he goes completely bald...well, could be an issue getting him to wear a hat to protect his head. but we shall see.

more car issues!

driving to school, blue van pulls out in front of me...he loses his bumper, i get a dented wing...but we still get to school on time.

a few days later and its apparently £900 for insurer - while the scratched door i asked for estimate as optional extra would be £600 - so will remain scratched...

but we have a nice hire car in the meantime. which plays CDs not tapes! which means "pitufos"...rather than Queen's greatest hits....oh well..took a while to get used to gears again after automatic. car should be repaired by 23 December (snow and parts permitting).

meanwhile mobile phone dies....is also in repair with new hand set to cover. realise contacts were stored on phone not SIM card. and the back up of contacts is on the broken laptop... aargh... need some time to extract from its hard disc...

end of term feeling, the children all finish on Friday but I don't stop work til 4 pm on the 24th, hmph. but ocado.com delivery is booked for 23rd, so all should be fine....

minor irritations as Xmas excitement mounts

Friday morning, out to car for school run - eh? glass on floor, rear small window smashed... oh dear - teen gangs? it will be breezy but we neeed to go. will sort later with insurance.

hang on check glove compartment - dang, the sat nav is gone...
G: "you can buy a new one mummy".

sensible at 7.

absolutely, objects are replaceable.... the glass will be repaired.

this is big news; they rush to tell their school mates! guess what happened...

(realise that I am hopefully teaching them: for some irritations there are solutions, keep calm and carry on...rather than the catastrophic response the Ex would have given).

weekend homework: four sentences on "the festive season":

we put up the Christmas tree (tick, done! bought from street vendor on way home on Friday, much excitement from all, Ix restrained with decorations, only pulling off the tinsel three or four times...he finds Dora the Explorer and Santa on youtube and blasts us with "feliz navidad!" 100 times...)

we give cards and presents to family and friends (behind on those but have some family gifts ready)

we will have Christmas meal with the family (big meal next weekend, my turn to host the siblings and families pre-Xmas Xmas meal and gift exchange, girls very excited, planning the seating arrangements etc)

we go to lots of Christmas fairs and parties (one party, tick, one Christmas fair, tick, one Christmas fair (Brownies) this coming week...and more to follow...)

lists posted to Santa.... feeling relaxed....

I have got someone in place to take kids to the Ex on Christmas Eve so technically speaking they can have Christmas with him then... if he turns up/becomes capable.

if not I think we will make up for it ourselves.

they are realising that he is unreliable, but life goes on and they "can't wait for Christmas!"

"don't you understand?"

"that I am on anti-depressants "

which is apparently a good reason for making contact at 6.20 pm for a 6 pm mid-week contact session with your own children, and justification as to why you cannot have your own children in your own flat and provide them with simple food cooked on your own cooker?

G wants to buy her dad an Xmas present. i say of course, what should we get? she says: a computer. I say, too expensive but mabe a computer accessory..

L says: we should buy him "cooking for dummies".

"don't you understand?"..."that you and our children are my entire life?"

ok, first the "you". I began telling him by email/text (he was in Spain) at end of 2007 it was "over"...in person from end Dec 2007 thu Jan, Feb, March 2008...in front of witnesses eg family therapists (they thought i wasn't clear enough) etc..I physically moved out of the joint home in April 2008 with the kids...

refer here to Lundy Bancroft - risk of someone who has been abusive harming their children on contacts: risk factor j: "Refusal to accept the end of the relationship"

second - the children.
see inability to provide for them/turn up on time for contact above.

He did not turn up for last court hearing so judge was happy to make a final order in his absence - of residence in my favour, plus less contact - she felt he would handle it better - going for the standard once mid-week after school evening plus alternate weekends - supervised "by an appropriate adult".

midweeks Ix's after school carer is in place. (but really he has to make contact before the allocated time to confirm...if not we just start making their dinner at home and he misses the chance...)

weekends he has to find someone, except Sat morning when Ix has carer in place.

Saturday we were all going to Ix's school fair with Ix's carer so he didnt need to find anyone in order to see the girls and Ix. I figured i could loiter at a distance while he communicated with his children...

Ix and carer arrived early - but no news despite the fact she called and texted him. Ix disappointed, had been expecting to see him. We turn up later - still no sign.

never mind! we win prizes on the tombola, chat with some parents, eat mince pies and guess the wieght of the cake and where the treausre is hidden....

sunday his day from 11.00 am...we hear nothing.

get on with life, cake making, cake decorating....

i put plastic crate in shed and tidy up, pondering by midday how to word email to his neighbour on monday in a kind of "can you just let me know if he is alive nothing more" kind of way...phone rings 1.20 p.m. (must get calller display)

me: oh it's dad do you want to talk to him?

kids: no not really...

Ex: can i talk to you please?

me: what?

Ex: can I come round to yours? just spend some time...

me: no, you cannot. you have your own place.

Ex: but I am not capable I cannot cope...

me: you know the deal. you need to organize yourself.

Ex: but I...

me: sorry have to go, bye.

later more text messages - dont you understand... imagine not being supported by the ones you love when you at your worst...if things were wrong you should have told me... bla bla bla..

the only response is: www.drw.org.uk - heck, it might even help him!