the answer is to meditate.....

"I do hope for our children benefit that with time you can meditate and see things differently"

I am all for meditation - if only I had the time!

but I think he means mediation. he is asking me to go to mediation, which is wholly not recommended when there has been domestic violence/abuse.

"Things which are not recommended
If violence has been, and especially if it currently still is an issue in your relationship, then Couple Counselling is not recommended. Nor is Mediation if you are going through separation or divorce. Basically the abuse itself has to be dealt with BEFORE any form of joint counselling or mediation can be effective, and in the meantime can, at best, deflect from the actual problem and fudge responsibility issues."
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/abusive_help.htm

clutching at straws...I went along to family therapy with him, Feb 2008 to July 2008, it failed totally, on occasions he walked out....I used the sessions to try and get the message across - we were separated. But I was willing to try and reach agreement on co-parenting for the children. But he was unwilling....in August 2008 he smashed my door and bin....

hey ho.

he continues...

"I wish I could change things round but I can not, sorry. I can only change today and tomorrow and that is what I am trying, but i will not be able to do until you change and behave differently"

very unclear what he actually wants me to change... he gives no specifics!
anyway, have passed onto my solicitor.

and the point is that we cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves.

we cannot change other's behaviour - we can only change our reaction to it.

I have changed my reaction - from years of trying to please, trying to help, avoiding doing things (buying the wrong washing up liquid, stacking the dishwasher the wrong way, etc etc) that would lead to outbursts - to putting back the responsibility onto his shoulders.

Meantime, have identified a local contact centre which has a very nice space, not so different from local library with books, toys and more. I will be happy for children to see him there and it is wholly supervised. staff seem very well trained and supportive.