the countdown begins....

reindeer at the Christmas fair



L's friend's birthday party - with a Christmas theme.

dropped L and g off at party, at 5 p.m., took Ix down to Notting Hill Gate bookshop then Nando's - returned in the rain to party. had his DVD player ready which he did watch - but also enjoyed touching the blow up santa and listening (and moving grooving to) the disco songs. especially specially-requested YMCA.

one 7 yr old was particularly interested in him and why couldnt he talk? explained about wonky brains...

but with lots of kids running around it was fine - when much younger the idea of taking him to a big noisy bright party would have been more difficult - now so long as he has communication system, DVD player and food he is fine...

a great party - the 8 pm finish turned into 9.15 p.m.!

Sunday a couple hours to clean and tidy up with Ix out with his new student befrienders, then we go to Natural History Museum to meet friends who have got tickets to see Night at the Museum 2 - Ix sits some of it out with Horrid Henry but girls enjoy it.

out in the rain, watch the ice skaters, bus to Picadilly circus and up thru the Christmas lights home...creating Christmas memories...

did do/didn't do

weekend. Ix at respite. so things to do....girls should be with their dad for several hours Sat/Sun... tidying, take stuff to charity shop (Ix is growing growing), call laptop helpline to fix it, buy blade to shave off bottom of front door as it sticks and requires large shove to close (DIY before calling landlady). rake leaves if not raining (build in some exercise). read a book. relax....

so Friday - girls being picked up by friend. go home, pick up Ix, drive to respite, go to meet friends and we all go their local Chinese. no need to rush back for Ix's carer...or take along DVD player/entertainment. respite is just that.

home.

message from their dad - but not about arrangements for tomorrow. he is "sorry for everything i have said or done you can forgive and love".

i have had bank statement for the still-joint account in post so the only thing i can think of to say back is that "the bank account is still £2,000 overdrawn..."

so saturday dawns with a well-you-should-be-seeing-your-dad-but-if-he-does-not-get-in-touch-never-mind...

he does not.

we do music class then dash thru rain to Next for coat for G and Borders book shop to spend book tokens from Aunt E given at beginning of term, Starbucks and home.

out to cinema to see Up. film breaks down in middle - tho restarts - but we get free tickets for next time.

home, X factor...good sleep til 10. ah bliss.

rain has stopped. rake leaves. tick.

off to pick up Ix, via Aldenham park; Ix is happy, we go to Shenley Park tea room and walk. nice autumn day again after yesterday's rain. people are overwhelmingly nice today, bringing their dog for him to stroke etc. actually, mostly people ARE nice.

home, cooking, put washing on, X factor results.

forgot about door - no trip out to Robert Dyas, no new blade....hang on, I remember the sooper-dooper cut everything knife - the man in House of Fraser demo: cutting tomatoes, melons, sawing metal.... that is why I bought it...so I lay on floor shaving off bits of door til it shuts smoothly. Ha. job done. tick.

so - wasn't quite as planned but we had nice weekend, doing things together with girls.

still, is frustrating.
it should not be you might be/you might not be seeing him...

ExP has declined to attend facilitated family meeting, on grounds there is "no point" - it will reiterate that "I" am "winning - "your way: no father no family".

stuck...he is their father.

we cannot be together, it is over.

but he can see his kids, show them he is trustworthy, regain confidence....up to him...

L in conversation with friend:

Friend: "my dad is going to Dubai for 10 weeks and I won't see him!"
L:"well I don't even live with my dad"

so, who won that round?

autumn....

autmn in the park...





and more importantly, seeing Aunty M's nissan micra



far more important than the new arrival



tho he was very proud to tell everyone on Monday about seeing the baby.

as well as reminding them that "M has a purple nissan micra".


(after ExP disappeared from view from Sunday evening text msg, missed contact tues, didnt respond to G's voice mail...rang a few people, all who said they had tried to contact with no response. called police to check on him. they said he was "fine"....he finally reappeared thurs at 6 pm contact time . girls refused to go at short notice. well he had let them down tues....saturday he saw Ix for lunch, but had no one available to supervise sunday. so we were able to go off to see Aunty M with no worries.... see what happens next! .sends text messages - his life is "horrific" he just misses his "family life" he "had before". it aint on offer - but will he ever get that? oh well court hearing soon....

taking it easy...and the case of the missing pumpkin

well the goat was taking it easy, on a damp but warm last-day-of-October.

G's homework for half term (English) was to find pictures of farm animals and write four sentences...so we all went to the city farm to take some pics with Ix's new camera. he was quite happy to come too and walk around the farm but needs more training to actually take pics...tho likes to look at them on computer.


too lazy to go home cook lunch so we ate out - G wanted sausages and mash, L wanted chips...so the usual place in park was out...chips and pasta but no mash usually...fortunately we tried a new place (to us) next to Hampstead Heath which did both sausages and mash AND chips AND fishfingers for Ix - and a nice plate of mezze for me. very pleasant, sitting outside!

bought a pumpkin nearby, home, carving said pumpkin.. girls dressed up and Ix went out to library with carer E.

off to a smart enclave of kensal rise for trick or treating - many houses dress up and welcome groups of children, all very north-kensington-ish and jolly. adults joining in the dressing up too. very civilised... if the house has pumpkin(s), spiders' web, is obviously dressed-up - you call. if not, you dont...one treat per child per time.

treat bags full, home again and meet some local trick-or-treaters...who dip their hands into our treat box and take away handfuls!

we put our lit up pumpkin outside but dont get any more callers...the next morning the pumpkin is gone!

perhaps not so civilised...

Sunday - Ix wakes at 6.30, drags me out of bed to put on TV and computer, i lay on sofa and soon G and L are waking me up - but at least somehow i manage to stay prostrate til 9.00 a.m. without any major disasters....

lazy morning at home, lunch, G's friend comes and we take the girls to a birthday party. escape to the cafe for latte while Ix has crisps/juice and watches his portable DVD player (horrid henry) then we walk nearby to buy Sunday paper before going back to the party. Ix tries to tell everyone about his blood test back in September. is becoming a bit of an obsession...

(no supervisor available so girls didnt see their dad - he sent message asking if he could come to my home to "be a good father to them and play with them".

meeting CAFCASS this week, hopefully can try again to get across the message: is up to him to be a good father to them independently of me; he cannot come to my house after smashing it up in 2008, simple.

and especially if he is not up to being independent and is "low" and needy: I certainly dont need another child to watch over.

of course...I don't mind the children having their friends over to play and looking after that child(ren), but the risks of having him in the house are too great. it just isn't an option. even nearby.

until he shows he fully understands where we are at, then I just cannot be even in the vicinity of him....no, not even his "can I just go for a walk with you all"...no, no, no...

how long wil it take to get the message across?