spring? when!

spring lambs... colouritgreen.wordpress.com - a long way from today's rainy damp walk thru urban sprawl, and the damp, waterlogged, urban garden...



still, we did come face to face with wildlife last weekend on an escape to Woburn with the girls while Ix had a great time at respite.



lovely to stay in a nice hotel, have nice meal with glass of wine and enjoy the girls' company.

but today a long-overdue visit to friends during which Ix chatted non-stop on his device, impressing all...friends who first met Ix age just two... we've come a long way along the rollercoaster ride and not just Ix' issues...

now waiting for girls to come back from their dad's - but they are there with his friend and her two daughters, who they haven't seen to play with since about October last year (when he became too depressed to make any arrangements with his friends...) ...so forgiven for late night on a Sunday.

this time...

"don't you understand?"

"that I am on anti-depressants "

which is apparently a good reason for making contact at 6.20 pm for a 6 pm mid-week contact session with your own children, and justification as to why you cannot have your own children in your own flat and provide them with simple food cooked on your own cooker?

G wants to buy her dad an Xmas present. i say of course, what should we get? she says: a computer. I say, too expensive but mabe a computer accessory..

L says: we should buy him "cooking for dummies".

"don't you understand?"..."that you and our children are my entire life?"

ok, first the "you". I began telling him by email/text (he was in Spain) at end of 2007 it was "over"...in person from end Dec 2007 thu Jan, Feb, March 2008...in front of witnesses eg family therapists (they thought i wasn't clear enough) etc..I physically moved out of the joint home in April 2008 with the kids...

refer here to Lundy Bancroft - risk of someone who has been abusive harming their children on contacts: risk factor j: "Refusal to accept the end of the relationship"

second - the children.
see inability to provide for them/turn up on time for contact above.

He did not turn up for last court hearing so judge was happy to make a final order in his absence - of residence in my favour, plus less contact - she felt he would handle it better - going for the standard once mid-week after school evening plus alternate weekends - supervised "by an appropriate adult".

midweeks Ix's after school carer is in place. (but really he has to make contact before the allocated time to confirm...if not we just start making their dinner at home and he misses the chance...)

weekends he has to find someone, except Sat morning when Ix has carer in place.

Saturday we were all going to Ix's school fair with Ix's carer so he didnt need to find anyone in order to see the girls and Ix. I figured i could loiter at a distance while he communicated with his children...

Ix and carer arrived early - but no news despite the fact she called and texted him. Ix disappointed, had been expecting to see him. We turn up later - still no sign.

never mind! we win prizes on the tombola, chat with some parents, eat mince pies and guess the wieght of the cake and where the treausre is hidden....

sunday his day from 11.00 am...we hear nothing.

get on with life, cake making, cake decorating....

i put plastic crate in shed and tidy up, pondering by midday how to word email to his neighbour on monday in a kind of "can you just let me know if he is alive nothing more" kind of way...phone rings 1.20 p.m. (must get calller display)

me: oh it's dad do you want to talk to him?

kids: no not really...

Ex: can i talk to you please?

me: what?

Ex: can I come round to yours? just spend some time...

me: no, you cannot. you have your own place.

Ex: but I am not capable I cannot cope...

me: you know the deal. you need to organize yourself.

Ex: but I...

me: sorry have to go, bye.

later more text messages - dont you understand... imagine not being supported by the ones you love when you at your worst...if things were wrong you should have told me... bla bla bla..

the only response is: www.drw.org.uk - heck, it might even help him!

did do/didn't do

weekend. Ix at respite. so things to do....girls should be with their dad for several hours Sat/Sun... tidying, take stuff to charity shop (Ix is growing growing), call laptop helpline to fix it, buy blade to shave off bottom of front door as it sticks and requires large shove to close (DIY before calling landlady). rake leaves if not raining (build in some exercise). read a book. relax....

so Friday - girls being picked up by friend. go home, pick up Ix, drive to respite, go to meet friends and we all go their local Chinese. no need to rush back for Ix's carer...or take along DVD player/entertainment. respite is just that.

home.

message from their dad - but not about arrangements for tomorrow. he is "sorry for everything i have said or done you can forgive and love".

i have had bank statement for the still-joint account in post so the only thing i can think of to say back is that "the bank account is still £2,000 overdrawn..."

so saturday dawns with a well-you-should-be-seeing-your-dad-but-if-he-does-not-get-in-touch-never-mind...

he does not.

we do music class then dash thru rain to Next for coat for G and Borders book shop to spend book tokens from Aunt E given at beginning of term, Starbucks and home.

out to cinema to see Up. film breaks down in middle - tho restarts - but we get free tickets for next time.

home, X factor...good sleep til 10. ah bliss.

rain has stopped. rake leaves. tick.

off to pick up Ix, via Aldenham park; Ix is happy, we go to Shenley Park tea room and walk. nice autumn day again after yesterday's rain. people are overwhelmingly nice today, bringing their dog for him to stroke etc. actually, mostly people ARE nice.

home, cooking, put washing on, X factor results.

forgot about door - no trip out to Robert Dyas, no new blade....hang on, I remember the sooper-dooper cut everything knife - the man in House of Fraser demo: cutting tomatoes, melons, sawing metal.... that is why I bought it...so I lay on floor shaving off bits of door til it shuts smoothly. Ha. job done. tick.

so - wasn't quite as planned but we had nice weekend, doing things together with girls.

still, is frustrating.
it should not be you might be/you might not be seeing him...

ExP has declined to attend facilitated family meeting, on grounds there is "no point" - it will reiterate that "I" am "winning - "your way: no father no family".

stuck...he is their father.

we cannot be together, it is over.

but he can see his kids, show them he is trustworthy, regain confidence....up to him...

L in conversation with friend:

Friend: "my dad is going to Dubai for 10 weeks and I won't see him!"
L:"well I don't even live with my dad"

so, who won that round?

autumn....

autmn in the park...





and more importantly, seeing Aunty M's nissan micra



far more important than the new arrival



tho he was very proud to tell everyone on Monday about seeing the baby.

as well as reminding them that "M has a purple nissan micra".


(after ExP disappeared from view from Sunday evening text msg, missed contact tues, didnt respond to G's voice mail...rang a few people, all who said they had tried to contact with no response. called police to check on him. they said he was "fine"....he finally reappeared thurs at 6 pm contact time . girls refused to go at short notice. well he had let them down tues....saturday he saw Ix for lunch, but had no one available to supervise sunday. so we were able to go off to see Aunty M with no worries.... see what happens next! .sends text messages - his life is "horrific" he just misses his "family life" he "had before". it aint on offer - but will he ever get that? oh well court hearing soon....

taking it easy...and the case of the missing pumpkin

well the goat was taking it easy, on a damp but warm last-day-of-October.

G's homework for half term (English) was to find pictures of farm animals and write four sentences...so we all went to the city farm to take some pics with Ix's new camera. he was quite happy to come too and walk around the farm but needs more training to actually take pics...tho likes to look at them on computer.


too lazy to go home cook lunch so we ate out - G wanted sausages and mash, L wanted chips...so the usual place in park was out...chips and pasta but no mash usually...fortunately we tried a new place (to us) next to Hampstead Heath which did both sausages and mash AND chips AND fishfingers for Ix - and a nice plate of mezze for me. very pleasant, sitting outside!

bought a pumpkin nearby, home, carving said pumpkin.. girls dressed up and Ix went out to library with carer E.

off to a smart enclave of kensal rise for trick or treating - many houses dress up and welcome groups of children, all very north-kensington-ish and jolly. adults joining in the dressing up too. very civilised... if the house has pumpkin(s), spiders' web, is obviously dressed-up - you call. if not, you dont...one treat per child per time.

treat bags full, home again and meet some local trick-or-treaters...who dip their hands into our treat box and take away handfuls!

we put our lit up pumpkin outside but dont get any more callers...the next morning the pumpkin is gone!

perhaps not so civilised...

Sunday - Ix wakes at 6.30, drags me out of bed to put on TV and computer, i lay on sofa and soon G and L are waking me up - but at least somehow i manage to stay prostrate til 9.00 a.m. without any major disasters....

lazy morning at home, lunch, G's friend comes and we take the girls to a birthday party. escape to the cafe for latte while Ix has crisps/juice and watches his portable DVD player (horrid henry) then we walk nearby to buy Sunday paper before going back to the party. Ix tries to tell everyone about his blood test back in September. is becoming a bit of an obsession...

(no supervisor available so girls didnt see their dad - he sent message asking if he could come to my home to "be a good father to them and play with them".

meeting CAFCASS this week, hopefully can try again to get across the message: is up to him to be a good father to them independently of me; he cannot come to my house after smashing it up in 2008, simple.

and especially if he is not up to being independent and is "low" and needy: I certainly dont need another child to watch over.

of course...I don't mind the children having their friends over to play and looking after that child(ren), but the risks of having him in the house are too great. it just isn't an option. even nearby.

until he shows he fully understands where we are at, then I just cannot be even in the vicinity of him....no, not even his "can I just go for a walk with you all"...no, no, no...

how long wil it take to get the message across?

still here...

blogs in my head, no time - or rather exhaustion.

sent Ix off today with his dad and the friend who is supervising but exP looked very ill...he has been sending extreme text msgs, about "being all together again" which is just not reality...i hope the friend stays with and tells him to get help...

but at least today we girls can go shopping :)

contact with their dad been very mixed and mostly has resulted in tension all round due to changes in pick up times from his end, need to change to an alternate weekend schedule so we not dependent every weekend as at present.

finance - joint account heavily overdrawn due to exP's spending on refurbishing joint owned flat(s). now he says he has no money to eat... only option now is to sell both flats a.s.a.p and each take share of whatever equity...in meantime demands of £2000 per flat by December for sinking fund/refurbishment fund...

schools good but girls school closed for four days due to roof collapsing! sudden need for childcare aargh made arrangements with other parents and friend's friend's au pair's friend...

hopefully now back to normal. last week was school but no after school club - shows how much L needs that structured time to get homework done without distractions of little sister, TV and other goings on...

work busy, but achieved good media event and feel positive...

how to kill a grandad?

monday. court hearing .


"i want to see my children every day"

"my dad, he is 82, he has parkinsons, he hasnt seen his grandchildren for two years"

thursday.
girls with M. M calls - N says he wants girls to go to his flat to call grandad it is his birthday.

ok, if they want to.
L says no she is busy, they at the museum, they dont want to leave. she will see him tomorrow, as agreed.

I tell M - tell N - I am happy to call his dad tonight with the girls. we can wish him happy birthday.

M says: N says No! "it will kill him" "don't you understand, he doesnt know that she has taken away my kids..."

a month previously - my dad calls me (74 year old, had a stroke)
- N has called he wants to know why you wont let him see the children....

it isn't quite true - they are seeing him. long story.

but is it age? over 80 you might kill someone with a phone call telling the truth?
if you can't tell your own family the truth - do you ever believe it yourself?

hard to understand....

how someone can state before a district judge that they will do anything to see their children...then refuse to see them in an agreed contact centre.

apparently on the grounds he "does not like it". I have seen a pleasant environment - controlled, yes, and secure, but once inside a bright, friendly room with toys, books, etc.

hard to understand why someone told in court to stick to 8.00 pm for indirect contact on a Wednesday evening - can turn up at 0800 a.m. hours on a Monday, and, when reminded, on the Wednesday comes at 9.36 pm!

hard to understand how someone who has apparently accepted the need for contact centre, supervised contact, in front of a district judge - recognising they have had mental illness (after all, he persuaded his own GP to call me to tell me how very ill and depressed he was...), have had anger problems, have been violent - then sends a text message to his children on a Saturday suggesting they meet him in the park...and that we can "all go in the big car together"...

hard to understand why someone who now says they cannot afford to pay half the costs of the contact centre - as agreed in court - buys a £180 i-pod for his child and sends a text message saying "have now bought an i-pod docking station".

hard to understand how - after being reminded indirect contact is 8 pm on a Wednesday - sends a text message on Saturday saying "can I pick up the i-pod later today to test the docking station".

maybe is just being trying.

idea of supervised contact is to assess and for them to give feedback and recommendation on whether to progress to unsupervised contact or not....but if you don't go for the first bit you don't get the second...

but amusing(?), however, to learn that he has bumped into oldest child while out with his (the child's) carer...carer reports that he speaks to the child and refers to "your crazy mother..."


hey ho....

The child’s view of separation

Six year old daughter: “I wish daddy wasn’t distressed [depressed]. I don’t like living here. I want to live in the old flat. We can watch Boomerang [satellite cartoon channel] on the tv there.”

Eight year old: “But that is just objects. It isn’t the most important thing…”

Me: “Well, you know you are going to see him at the contact centre. If that goes well, and he isn’t distressed, then maybe in the future you will get to spend time at his house.”

Six year old: “So, the contact centre, it’s going to be like a test in child caring?”

Eight year old: “Yes, an exam…”

Me: “Yes…if it goes well, and if you want to, then later on you will be able to spend time with him”

Six-year old: “Hmm, yes. He does need lessons.
When we used to go to his house, he used to go to sleep on the sofa.
I wanted to play hide and seek.
I tried pulling the duvet off him, but he wouldn’t play with me.
All we could do was watch Boomerang.”

Eight year old: “But will you come to the old flat? If you do, you will just start with him, chat, chat, chat….”

Me: “No, if you are going out with him, I will just say “hello” at the door and “bye, have a nice time”. No chat chat chat….”