Asi es la vida

summer fun...

2010-07-12T21:46:00.005+01:00

ok so the chaotic garden won't make the magazine pages - but it's fun!

birthday for G, bbq, splashing, pool fun, summer walks with Ix...

up in the air....

2010-06-23T21:23:00.009+01:00

next door's cat comes eye to eye with large toy dog (won in tombola last year)

all the fun of a kitten without the responsibility! and less risk of setting off Ix's allergy as cat stays outside...

and the girls and friends created a mural on the shed....(spot the yellow submarine!)

we love our garden! didnt have one for 14 years...not gonna give up* having one now...pottering in evening watering the plants..therapeutic, relaxing...

* exP thinks we should move into the flat next door to him which we joint own still as a buy to let...(pending financial matters court hearing) it has NO garden, but that is not important, says he, I am just being selfish...the kids can play in the car park of the flats... duh!!!

a really nice break in Wales

2010-06-08T23:18:00.006+01:00

half term, sunshine, farm visits, walks, sea, sandcastles, care for Ix so we could go out places altogether and also split for doing separate activites eg him on tour bus, girls on pier rides... and dinners cooked by mother... could not ask for more

a diagnosis...17q21.31 microdeletion

2010-05-27T23:09:00.003+01:00

there is a lot in a small amount of missing DNA/chomosome - apparently - but considering how catastrophic other missing/warped/failed bits of DNA can be, this one is, really, getting off lightly.

Ix will not die young from this, given he is healthy now, he does not have any heart/kidney issues which can be associated. he does not have seizures....

"17q21.31" - bit of a mouthful...hmmm, maybe a new name is needed?

http://17q21.com/en/index.php
lays bare the features... 100% cognitive issues...

but this one is nice -
"Behaviour is typically friendly and pleasant""this is the Ix I know -

sure there are the autistic behaviours - but by and large he likes people - and that is a very valuable trait.

it's been a long road - the first years of desperate searching for answers, then quietly rumbling along in the background...waiting for genetics to catch up...hundreds of appointments...

and yet it is a good time to get the answer. I know what the prognosis is already, his level of need - this gives peace of mind really.

May...

2010-05-13T14:39:00.003+01:00

May began in Scotland...

and should contonue with mini-adventures along the way.

April saw highs - family times at Easter, excellent school reports etc...

and some lows involving issues with ix's after school carers and the ex, and ex losing Ix from his own flat - found a few streets away - and he still refusing to fit security chains etc..hey ho. so Ix's visits more limited but girls' visits going ok - apart from he force feeding them eskimo oil which they hate and is rather loose with timekeeping - but hey.

but onwards and upwards...

March saw a birthday...

2010-03-31T23:24:00.004+01:00

L turned 10! a good day with her school and Brownies friends, a science lady with a host of gooey and sticky stuff and some bangs and explosions, a large red balloon, food and cake...

busy with work, bit of a rut of work, home, kids, sleep, get up, school run, work etc...

but - had a day trip to give a lecture in Antwerp, Belgium, - dropped girls off, 11.00 am train eurostar, leisure select (large solo seat and food and wine at the table!).
finished reading "girl with the dragon tattoo"...

lecture went well, (well practised presentation) with nice bunch of interested post-grad students ( I can do this sutff! i went last year they specifically invited me back...) ...then an hour of shopping in Antwerp and home - glass of champagne with dinner and reading....home to carer with Ixand girls had gone to stay over with friends.

meanwhile, sunday i dug the bare patch in the lawn and planted gras seed, put in some shrubs - and then went to see "the girl with the dragon tattoo " at the cinema...excellent and as good as the book...now starting the next book in the trilogy...

pottering in garden, reading, cinema - a good day.

siblings and cousins

2010-03-10T18:43:00.004Z

don't often catch them all in one photo so here they are...

we were visiting baby H and the nearly-three year old cousins came too. busy household.

a good day out with family.

three sisters, one elderly (great) aunt, a 13 year old, a 10 yr old, a 7 yr old; two brothers-in-law, two toddlers, one baby!

and have booked the train to Scotland to visit brother and his two girls May bank holiday.

my son's view of me as a working mum....

2010-03-01T23:30:00.001Z

Ix chatting yesterday: typing.

"daddy lives in xxx street"

"aunty lives in xxxxx"

"J and I live in oxford"

"mummy lives in work"

spring? when!

2010-02-28T21:03:00.006Z

spring lambs... colouritgreen.wordpress.com - a long way from today's rainy damp walk thru urban sprawl, and the damp, waterlogged, urban garden...

still, we did come face to face with wildlife last weekend on an escape to Woburn with the girls while Ix had a great time at respite.

lovely to stay in a nice hotel, have nice meal with glass of wine and enjoy the girls' company.

but today a long-overdue visit to friends during which Ix chatted non-stop on his device, impressing all...friends who first met Ix age just two... we've come a long way along the rollercoaster ride and not just Ix' issues...

now waiting for girls to come back from their dad's - but they are there with his friend and her two daughters, who they haven't seen to play with since about October last year (when he became too depressed to make any arrangements with his friends...) ...so forgiven for late night on a Sunday.

this time...

wheels to freedom

2010-02-15T22:28:00.003Z

colleague at work had bought a new bike so this was free...with a service and a few new bits it wil be fine.

cannot wait to get on it and ride....

the bald look

2010-02-15T22:26:00.001Z

older, wiser?

2010-02-07T23:37:00.004Z

a week with heavy cold - or was it swine flu - dropped girls at school Weds then went to bed...helped some...

revived enough by saturday to celebrate my birthday with friends over for lunch - adults chat, eat, drink; and children play, just as it should be.

five years ago i turned 40 - and hosted a similar format but bigger lunch party with friends and children...40 felt good, i had the three children i wanted, a good job, friends....a "husband"(unmarried partner) who was not perfect, far from it, but i thought i could tolerate ("for the sake of the kids"?)and muddle along with....

two years into the "five-year plan" he went on a downward spiral into self-harm, depression, some kind of mental health "episode" - and it all became much clearer just how much i had given of myself..."tolerate" from here now looks like martyrdom...it was too much of a struggle...

it sounds mean - if you see it as me not being around for someone who became "ill" - but there was a lot more to it than that. the issues went back much further than the "crisis" (and in a way that episode "saved" me - and the children...)

learning that an adult is responsible for themselves and their own health issues - especially when those issues impact so dramatically on those around them - and discovering that i had a choice whether to be with him or not - were defining moments.....

anyway, life at 45 is good, as single, separated, parent, having built, i hope, a safe, secure family unit where their contact with their dad can be kept safe and good. and hopefully positive.

and miles and miles away from having to live day-to-day with someone who became more and more controlling, needy, dangerous, etc, etc.... even if i still have to deal with minor irritations over contact, finances etc. more of that another day...

hair..gone....mostly...

2010-01-31T19:51:00.003Z

a new cut to show off the alopecia...

he isn't bothered...in fact now shares a look with his bus driver!

but has taken himself to bed with a bad cold - and a large dose of calcold....

encounter with the ex....

2010-01-26T22:52:00.006Z

so EX came to doorstep with papers i needed to sign (still not sorted out financial separation, seeing barrister soon).

some bla bla about money we jointly liable for, needs to be paid end February - well i don't have the money, i am not paying that, . well neither am i... stalemate...

then - "it is so humiliating standing on the door step.."

well, last time you came in my house you smashed up my door with your fist...

"you know i really regret that, it should not have happened and it won't happen again..."

except - he didn't say that.

he said:

"well, I smashed my fist through your door because on that day you said to me that (bla bla bla).."

it isn't important what i had said - nothing can justify a violent reaction.

and nothing justifies continuing to believe in his entitlement to act aggressively 18 months later...

i said I am not going to discuss any more, goodbye.

he put his foot in the door so i could not shut it... "you are so abusive" he said.

I said, goodbye...he left.

today: message to the children:

"why dont you come to the cafe after school to see me. mummy can come too and have hot soup".

some game is being played....

this is the post-depressive phase...and it is scary.

hair today, gone tomorrow...

2010-01-18T20:47:00.003Z

the up phase of "depression"

2010-01-17T22:59:00.004Z

Ex appears to be in an "up" phase. calmer...kids have noticed: "i think he is improved" says G.

they saying they happy to go to his place unaccompanied, in fact they have stayed for 40 minutes/an hour with him alone - tho only after carer has taken them to him and satistfied they happy and playing; and has been to pick them up afterwards and bring them home at the appointed time. they have not wanted to stay beyond that time, despite him asking them to do so.

he has cooked dinner for them several times.

he has organized with his friends this weekend to come pick them up (tho has not taken advantage of the full time allocated by court order, so has been 3 hours today when could have been six).

he is "organizing the girls' room" in his flat.

is all good...there is nothing I would like more than to be able to happily send them off to spend time with him.

but...I feel uneasy...

the "ups" have always been followed by "downs" before.

and he is still sending text messages accusing me of being "abusive"(by having left him) and messages insisting that Ix's alopecia must be due to the stress of living in a "broken family".

and messages saying "i want to see my children every day" - which isn't going to happen and doesn't reflect the actual situation...or indeed what the children may want.

and we have not yet sorted out financial matters...

I hear in my head: "tread carefully...for you know not what lies beneath the surface..."

in past years, looking back - he has - often in the early part of a new year - been active, focused, achieving, organized - sometimes has pushed for something specific when I may have dropped it.

Sometimes, to good effect, but sometimes has run away with an idea which has been unfeasible or impractical, or has assumed that other people would automatically fall in with plans for them - without asking them).... but the fall inevitably comes. or the reality of what he has been striving for just cannot happen (eg 2006 - was focused on searching for a property to buy, but ran away with property way above our budget or grandiose plans to rebuild one, when a minor restructuring would have sufficed and been within budget...fortunately, that purchase fell through.)

i need to (continue to) protect myself - and the children.

stick to the rules (eg court order for contact arrangements).
don't relax the boundaries.

and while G is happy - after all, she wants a loving, happy, daddy - L is still wary: "he needs to show he has improved a lot before i can trust him".

wise words from a nearly 10 year old. she has again brought up the promises he has made and the list of things/pets he promised her but which have never materialised.

And I was proud of her yesterday for expressing her view strongly - they were with him and his friend, it was 6 pm, they were to come home; he sent message saying "are you happy for them to stay with me and I will bring them back later?". for me, it would be up to them...the other carer had said he was putting pressure on them to stay the other day....I called his home phone, asked to speak to L. said "do you want to stay a bit longer just with him - and he brings you home - or come home now, with X?". She said clearly: "come home now".

he did respect that.

snow gone

2010-01-17T20:42:00.004Z

shame, did look nice.

rain yesterday but sunny today. feeling warm...

Ix out for a walk with his student befrienders, took girls to Marine Ices for yummy dollops of ice cream, chocolate sauce, chocolate bits, etc.

In the afternoon the girls went out with their dad, so set off on marathon walk with Ix as he has been obsessing about seeing some friends in Kentish Town - as it happened, they weren't in... but it satisfied his curiosity to knock on their door and he accepted "not at home". seems happier to have at least been to their house even if they not in...the weird way his mind works....

the good thing about London is there is always a quick way back home after an hour's walk - train took five minutes to West Hampstead!

snow - but everyone is on time

2010-01-13T20:45:00.001Z

3 cm of snow but everyone gets to school and work more or less on time!

marvellous... hoping it does stay for the weekend.

have seen many - ologists...

2010-01-10T21:04:00.007Z

at one time the list for Ix was long and appointments were many - in the early years at hospital seemingly every month...

neurologist - various different ones, looking for clues, doing MRI etc...
gastroenterologist
opthamologist
audiologist
ENT-ologist
respiratory specialist and allergist (following severe croup episodes from age two to about six or seven)
many different speech, language, physio, occupational therapists

- and above all it was: what is going on? how? why?

appointments were about finding answers...often they didnt.

many were frustrating. gave more quesitons than answers.

some yielded results - eventually - the MRI at age five did show anomalies. but they are not diagnositic in themselves and you cannot directly correlate the thin white matter and thin corpus callosum with his abilities/disabilities.

and finally getting grommets in ears surely helped his hearing. but this could have been done sooner rather than going back every three months and doing nothing...

so ...have boiled it down to paediatrician review once a year.

thought had done with new -ologists.

annual visit to genetics (still awaiting results - but have accepted it is a question of time wiating for science to catch up and come up with the underlying issue)

and regular opthamologist...because we haven't moved onto local optician yet.

but now added a new -ologist - dermatologist.

but like some of the others over time, no answers.

it might get worse before it gets better.

try steroid cream - it might stimulate regrowth.

or it might not.

but somehow having a not-uncommon issue - and one which can affect just about anyone - means it is an "oh well..."

would it be better to just shave it short now?

rather than keep the longish strands covering the patches?

it is this deep...

2010-01-10T20:58:00.002Z

so not THAT deep - but it had been enough to keep Aunt (82 years young) from leaving her house for a week.

so we all drove up to the garden and pet centre and managed to while away an hour or so - good cafe with table full of kids's books for Ix to look at.

still snow...

2010-01-07T18:39:00.005Z

not sure what his name is...but he got another layer on top later on.

meaanwhile, the drains are cleared but the tidy up on patio cannot begin and is all frozen anyway. needs a bleach filled jet.
still, all looks lovely and white.

girls' school opened - small classes as many stayed away, but they saw friends and watched DVDs...and apparently did some maths.

Ix school closed he entertained himself with TV/computer while i remotely connected to the office in between taking girls to/from school - very slowly on the side roads.

all schools open tomorrow unless more snow overnight....not forecast but you never know. got dermatologist appt too.

snow and the working parent....

2010-01-06T16:41:00.004Z

lovely white stuff...

0810 Ix bus arrives, great!

0830 - girls carer texts: is on way tho delayed... great!

0832 - school texts - is closed and driver calls - is bringing him back...

0930 drains man arrives and gets gear on to unblock drain

0945 girls carer arrives - now she will have all 3.

1000 - stand over drains man as he descends into the depths....he reckons it is rubble in the interceptor, plus wet wipes flushed down loo haven't helped...

leave him (back up on dry land) jetting out the drains.

leave kids with carer.

11.00 arrive work
catch up emails etc...

back home 3.30 to allow carer to leave to get back thru the snow...

log back onto work email from home...

text from Ix school: will tell you at 0715 tomorrow what is happening...

girls' school - who knows for tomorrow!

and they say the big freeze will continue into next week.

oh well see what happens tomorrow. no point fretting...plan to get up tomorrow as tho for school and take it from there. luckily kids can spend some time plugged into TV (all)/computer (all)/nintendo (girls) /playing together (girls) so can "work" from home to a degree....

easing back to normal...

2010-01-04T19:37:00.005Z

goodbye soon to this...

and begin the big tidy up.

but we have the Spanish custom of the "Reyes" (three kings) 6 January to come...wot, more presents?

work opened today, woke with bunged head and sore throat, so when carer called to say she was sick it was easier to stay in pyjamas and stay in...also on pretext of awaiting "Bogdan" to come and unblock the overflowing drain...tho it may be frozen. anyway, he eventually said he coming tomorrow instead.

but it cold out, we ventured out only to jump on the ice on the water-filled sandpit...

so, one child back to school tomorrow, the other two on Thursday.

New Year was spent staying over with friends - several children, we nearly missed the TV countdown

this preceeded by trip to see our friend M in a fab panto at Greenwich Theatre Mother Goose - keeping Ix in his seat and entertained throughout gave it full marks.

So, back to reality.

appointments at coeliac clinic (just a review) for L, and GOSH again for Ix :

not pretty - by all accounts we may leave with little more than steroid cream, but who knows what they might say...and should a bald 13 year old wear a wig?

(NHS online national appointments system, v. impressive, choice of hospitals and clinics, tho ultimately it came down to availability.... plus it came up with a very weird extra appointment that I dont know what is for - and it said "call to find out your time, you cannot cancel this appointment". think i will ignore...)

Christmas peace

2009-12-28T09:44:00.004Z

Busy build up - driving through the snow on Monday 21st was hair raising, day off work Tuesday as babysitter could not get thru frozen bus stop in north north London....cinema and walk in snowy Regents Park.

Wednesday and Thursday work then finally time to get ready and relax...

24th kids went to see their dad with the babysitter. baby sitter had to take the food with them as he was unable to cook...but they seemed happy enough with the visit...

she said he was "miserable" and she wondered at his state of mental well being... I assured her we had been here before and what would be would be: his life, his choice....

The big day - a lovely time, los of nice presents, Leila got Biscuit the dog and Georgia "my little cousin roxanne" - plus loads more....chaos of unwrapping on the day, then Aunt for turkey lunch.

knock at door and presents delivered by their dad...(repeat to self - "I am not responsible for his misery" - but text messages received later so clearly was "fine"....)

Boxing Day trip to stay over with pregnant friend in Oxford: ice cream sundaes at G&D's on sunday. yummy.

now a week with office closed so can spend time with children and catch up on stuff...

going bald at 13?

2009-12-22T21:39:00.003Z

bald patches increasing in size on Ix's head...GP referring to dermatologist...probably "alopecia arreata"...will take a year to recover (or not?)...hey ho.

"my mum's friend had this and put garlic paste on her head - after a year the hair grew back..." hmm evidence seems to be that you have to wait a year for it to recover...so dont think will be applying the garlic just yet!

but in the scheme of things, well, he is a boy and what does it matter? if he goes completely bald...well, could be an issue getting him to wear a hat to protect his head. but we shall see.

more car issues!

2009-12-16T23:20:00.003Z

driving to school, blue van pulls out in front of me...he loses his bumper, i get a dented wing...but we still get to school on time.

a few days later and its apparently £900 for insurer - while the scratched door i asked for estimate as optional extra would be £600 - so will remain scratched...

but we have a nice hire car in the meantime. which plays CDs not tapes! which means "pitufos"...rather than Queen's greatest hits....oh well..took a while to get used to gears again after automatic. car should be repaired by 23 December (snow and parts permitting).

meanwhile mobile phone dies....is also in repair with new hand set to cover. realise contacts were stored on phone not SIM card. and the back up of contacts is on the broken laptop... aargh... need some time to extract from its hard disc...

end of term feeling, the children all finish on Friday but I don't stop work til 4 pm on the 24th, hmph. but ocado.com delivery is booked for 23rd, so all should be fine....

minor irritations as Xmas excitement mounts

2009-12-06T23:21:00.004Z

Friday morning, out to car for school run - eh? glass on floor, rear small window smashed... oh dear - teen gangs? it will be breezy but we neeed to go. will sort later with insurance.

hang on check glove compartment - dang, the sat nav is gone...
G: "you can buy a new one mummy".

sensible at 7.

absolutely, objects are replaceable.... the glass will be repaired.

this is big news; they rush to tell their school mates! guess what happened...

(realise that I am hopefully teaching them: for some irritations there are solutions, keep calm and carry on...rather than the catastrophic response the Ex would have given).

weekend homework: four sentences on "the festive season":

we put up the Christmas tree (tick, done! bought from street vendor on way home on Friday, much excitement from all, Ix restrained with decorations, only pulling off the tinsel three or four times...he finds Dora the Explorer and Santa on youtube and blasts us with "feliz navidad!" 100 times...)

we give cards and presents to family and friends (behind on those but have some family gifts ready)

we will have Christmas meal with the family (big meal next weekend, my turn to host the siblings and families pre-Xmas Xmas meal and gift exchange, girls very excited, planning the seating arrangements etc)

we go to lots of Christmas fairs and parties (one party, tick, one Christmas fair, tick, one Christmas fair (Brownies) this coming week...and more to follow...)

lists posted to Santa.... feeling relaxed....

I have got someone in place to take kids to the Ex on Christmas Eve so technically speaking they can have Christmas with him then... if he turns up/becomes capable.

if not I think we will make up for it ourselves.

they are realising that he is unreliable, but life goes on and they "can't wait for Christmas!"

"don't you understand?"

2009-12-06T22:53:00.003Z

"that I am on anti-depressants "

which is apparently a good reason for making contact at 6.20 pm for a 6 pm mid-week contact session with your own children, and justification as to why you cannot have your own children in your own flat and provide them with simple food cooked on your own cooker?

G wants to buy her dad an Xmas present. i say of course, what should we get? she says: a computer. I say, too expensive but mabe a computer accessory..

L says: we should buy him "cooking for dummies".

"don't you understand?"..."that you and our children are my entire life?"

ok, first the "you". I began telling him by email/text (he was in Spain) at end of 2007 it was "over"...in person from end Dec 2007 thu Jan, Feb, March 2008...in front of witnesses eg family therapists (they thought i wasn't clear enough) etc..I physically moved out of the joint home in April 2008 with the kids...

refer here to Lundy Bancroft - risk of someone who has been abusive harming their children on contacts: risk factor j: "Refusal to accept the end of the relationship"

second - the children.
see inability to provide for them/turn up on time for contact above.

He did not turn up for last court hearing so judge was happy to make a final order in his absence - of residence in my favour, plus less contact - she felt he would handle it better - going for the standard once mid-week after school evening plus alternate weekends - supervised "by an appropriate adult".

midweeks Ix's after school carer is in place. (but really he has to make contact before the allocated time to confirm...if not we just start making their dinner at home and he misses the chance...)

weekends he has to find someone, except Sat morning when Ix has carer in place.

Saturday we were all going to Ix's school fair with Ix's carer so he didnt need to find anyone in order to see the girls and Ix. I figured i could loiter at a distance while he communicated with his children...

Ix and carer arrived early - but no news despite the fact she called and texted him. Ix disappointed, had been expecting to see him. We turn up later - still no sign.

never mind! we win prizes on the tombola, chat with some parents, eat mince pies and guess the wieght of the cake and where the treausre is hidden....

sunday his day from 11.00 am...we hear nothing.

get on with life, cake making, cake decorating....

i put plastic crate in shed and tidy up, pondering by midday how to word email to his neighbour on monday in a kind of "can you just let me know if he is alive nothing more" kind of way...phone rings 1.20 p.m. (must get calller display)

me: oh it's dad do you want to talk to him?

kids: no not really...

Ex: can i talk to you please?

me: what?

Ex: can I come round to yours? just spend some time...

me: no, you cannot. you have your own place.

Ex: but I am not capable I cannot cope...

me: you know the deal. you need to organize yourself.

Ex: but I...

me: sorry have to go, bye.

later more text messages - dont you understand... imagine not being supported by the ones you love when you at your worst...if things were wrong you should have told me... bla bla bla..

the only response is: www.drw.org.uk - heck, it might even help him!

the countdown begins....

2009-11-29T19:50:00.005Z

reindeer at the Christmas fair

L's friend's birthday party - with a Christmas theme.

dropped L and g off at party, at 5 p.m., took Ix down to Notting Hill Gate bookshop then Nando's - returned in the rain to party. had his DVD player ready which he did watch - but also enjoyed touching the blow up santa and listening (and moving grooving to) the disco songs. especially specially-requested YMCA.

one 7 yr old was particularly interested in him and why couldnt he talk? explained about wonky brains...

but with lots of kids running around it was fine - when much younger the idea of taking him to a big noisy bright party would have been more difficult - now so long as he has communication system, DVD player and food he is fine...

a great party - the 8 pm finish turned into 9.15 p.m.!

Sunday a couple hours to clean and tidy up with Ix out with his new student befrienders, then we go to Natural History Museum to meet friends who have got tickets to see Night at the Museum 2 - Ix sits some of it out with Horrid Henry but girls enjoy it.

out in the rain, watch the ice skaters, bus to Picadilly circus and up thru the Christmas lights home...creating Christmas memories...

did do/didn't do

2009-11-15T23:13:00.004Z

weekend. Ix at respite. so things to do....girls should be with their dad for several hours Sat/Sun... tidying, take stuff to charity shop (Ix is growing growing), call laptop helpline to fix it, buy blade to shave off bottom of front door as it sticks and requires large shove to close (DIY before calling landlady). rake leaves if not raining (build in some exercise). read a book. relax....

so Friday - girls being picked up by friend. go home, pick up Ix, drive to respite, go to meet friends and we all go their local Chinese. no need to rush back for Ix's carer...or take along DVD player/entertainment. respite is just that.

home.

message from their dad - but not about arrangements for tomorrow. he is "sorry for everything i have said or done you can forgive and love".

i have had bank statement for the still-joint account in post so the only thing i can think of to say back is that "the bank account is still £2,000 overdrawn..."

so saturday dawns with a well-you-should-be-seeing-your-dad-but-if-he-does-not-get-in-touch-never-mind...

he does not.

we do music class then dash thru rain to Next for coat for G and Borders book shop to spend book tokens from Aunt E given at beginning of term, Starbucks and home.

out to cinema to see Up. film breaks down in middle - tho restarts - but we get free tickets for next time.

home, X factor...good sleep til 10. ah bliss.

rain has stopped. rake leaves. tick.

off to pick up Ix, via Aldenham park; Ix is happy, we go to Shenley Park tea room and walk. nice autumn day again after yesterday's rain. people are overwhelmingly nice today, bringing their dog for him to stroke etc. actually, mostly people ARE nice.

home, cooking, put washing on, X factor results.

forgot about door - no trip out to Robert Dyas, no new blade....hang on, I remember the sooper-dooper cut everything knife - the man in House of Fraser demo: cutting tomatoes, melons, sawing metal.... that is why I bought it...so I lay on floor shaving off bits of door til it shuts smoothly. Ha. job done. tick.

so - wasn't quite as planned but we had nice weekend, doing things together with girls.

still, is frustrating.
it should not be you might be/you might not be seeing him...

ExP has declined to attend facilitated family meeting, on grounds there is "no point" - it will reiterate that "I" am "winning - "your way: no father no family".

stuck...he is their father.

we cannot be together, it is over.

but he can see his kids, show them he is trustworthy, regain confidence....up to him...

L in conversation with friend:

Friend: "my dad is going to Dubai for 10 weeks and I won't see him!"
L:"well I don't even live with my dad"

so, who won that round?

autumn....

2009-11-09T19:54:00.007Z

autmn in the park...

and more importantly, seeing Aunty M's nissan micra

far more important than the new arrival

tho he was very proud to tell everyone on Monday about seeing the baby.

as well as reminding them that "M has a purple nissan micra".

(after ExP disappeared from view from Sunday evening text msg, missed contact tues, didnt respond to G's voice mail...rang a few people, all who said they had tried to contact with no response. called police to check on him. they said he was "fine"....he finally reappeared thurs at 6 pm contact time . girls refused to go at short notice. well he had let them down tues....saturday he saw Ix for lunch, but had no one available to supervise sunday. so we were able to go off to see Aunty M with no worries.... see what happens next! .sends text messages - his life is "horrific" he just misses his "family life" he "had before". it aint on offer - but will he ever get that? oh well court hearing soon....

taking it easy...and the case of the missing pumpkin

2009-11-01T23:04:00.008Z

well the goat was taking it easy, on a damp but warm last-day-of-October.

G's homework for half term (English) was to find pictures of farm animals and write four sentences...so we all went to the city farm to take some pics with Ix's new camera. he was quite happy to come too and walk around the farm but needs more training to actually take pics...tho likes to look at them on computer.

too lazy to go home cook lunch so we ate out - G wanted sausages and mash, L wanted chips...so the usual place in park was out...chips and pasta but no mash usually...fortunately we tried a new place (to us) next to Hampstead Heath which did both sausages and mash AND chips AND fishfingers for Ix - and a nice plate of mezze for me. very pleasant, sitting outside!

bought a pumpkin nearby, home, carving said pumpkin.. girls dressed up and Ix went out to library with carer E.

off to a smart enclave of kensal rise for trick or treating - many houses dress up and welcome groups of children, all very north-kensington-ish and jolly. adults joining in the dressing up too. very civilised... if the house has pumpkin(s), spiders' web, is obviously dressed-up - you call. if not, you dont...one treat per child per time.

treat bags full, home again and meet some local trick-or-treaters...who dip their hands into our treat box and take away handfuls!

we put our lit up pumpkin outside but dont get any more callers...the next morning the pumpkin is gone!

perhaps not so civilised...

Sunday - Ix wakes at 6.30, drags me out of bed to put on TV and computer, i lay on sofa and soon G and L are waking me up - but at least somehow i manage to stay prostrate til 9.00 a.m. without any major disasters....

lazy morning at home, lunch, G's friend comes and we take the girls to a birthday party. escape to the cafe for latte while Ix has crisps/juice and watches his portable DVD player (horrid henry) then we walk nearby to buy Sunday paper before going back to the party. Ix tries to tell everyone about his blood test back in September. is becoming a bit of an obsession...

(no supervisor available so girls didnt see their dad - he sent message asking if he could come to my home to "be a good father to them and play with them".

meeting CAFCASS this week, hopefully can try again to get across the message: is up to him to be a good father to them independently of me; he cannot come to my house after smashing it up in 2008, simple.

and especially if he is not up to being independent and is "low" and needy: I certainly dont need another child to watch over.

of course...I don't mind the children having their friends over to play and looking after that child(ren), but the risks of having him in the house are too great. it just isn't an option. even nearby.

until he shows he fully understands where we are at, then I just cannot be even in the vicinity of him....no, not even his "can I just go for a walk with you all"...no, no, no...

how long wil it take to get the message across?

birthday weekend...

2009-10-26T22:51:00.009Z

Happy Birthday teenager!

birthday on friday...dinner at Nandos with the after-school girls, people who love and care for Ix....a present, a digital camera designed to be dropped and taken out and about...

( his dad made no contact til 8.30 P.M - saying "sorri I didnt get the text msgs" - the one the evening before telling him Ix was off school and around in the morning and lunchtime to meet, the one on friday morning from P saying do you want to meet....i move from the "no response" zone and say: you have no excuse. he admits "i did read the message but i am not well.."

saturday - Ix out with E, no word from dad til 11.00 but they do they meet dad in the cafe which Ix does not usually go to on saturdays - at dad's insistence...myself and girls walk past this cafe on way back from buying halloween gear - they see us and Ix get stressed, later E calls me -they've gone off, left the food here ! they come back later...E and Ix go to bookshop, dad too, says he has present for his son but does not go and get it???? hard to comprehend...not even this can motivate him to get over his intention to be "ill" and "unable to cope"?

later, myself, girls and Ix go visit friends, it was A's birthday too on thurs, we have cakes and candles. Ix smiles and enjoys our singing this time. enjoying his new Horrid Henry DVDs...

Sunday - just me and the kids, N fails to make any contact, he has not arranged any one to come with him to see his son... a walk to the community cafe - Ix's saturday cafe - for the usual - fish fingers with chips and salad - just the cucumber and tomato please... i watch the waitress serve a vision-impaired man, an elderly gentleman, who does not talk...she is attentive... he writes laboriously on a paper his order, then - hand over hand, here is the food, here is the fork...clearly a regular like Ix... this is why Ix comes here on a saturday, they are so accomodating. food is cheap and fresh, is vastly different from the posh deli-cafe a short walk away.

then we walk on down to regent's park.

clown of eastern european origin and little English is slightly flummoxed at Ix's desire to tell him about the time when the nurse took blood at the hospital

but the police man is spot on - he starts with a "hello what's going on here" jovially seeing Ix feel his car, then immediately twigs that Ix is different - but talks to him directly and lets him sit in the car.

no one complains it's been a great outing on a lovely autumn day

relaxed, happy - we/I have come a long way since this time last year.

later, aunt visits with more cake and candles.

"dad is sick" - oh well. it is his responsibility to get the help he needs....later i text him about financial issues, there is 4,000 needed for managing agents of joint-owned flats...and get back "i cannot cope with this". "can you help me?" "i was fine when we were together" "i am sorry i was violent in 2007 and 2008 - but i wasn't before that was I?" ...but in some ways this needy, whiny, justifying, you-could-save-me phase is easier than the bullying, aggressive phase... now that i feel immune...as somebody once said: "the opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference"...tho I do feel angry on behalf of the kids.

the train to Holyhead will leave from platform 7...

2009-10-21T23:41:00.004+01:00

so many journeys along the North Wales coast line from Euston...yet the one to the speed course was the first time alone on a train in so long...

remembering the journeys....heading home from first trip abroad, hiking with Girl Guides in Switzerland, a mammoth train and boat journey...seeing the sea along the North Wales coast through the dark...

heading home from a summer language refresher course in london age 18, fresh from teenage romps in regents park with a public school boy - the first i met (and maybe the last?) - catching the sun set as the train heads west and seeing the sea again....

heading home, many times, as a student from uni in London, nursing the hangovers and all-night-party headache...sitting in corridors on rucksacks...

heading home on the train from three months study in Leningrad in the Soviet Union in 1985, eyes and brain swimming with the culture shock, the colours, the adverts, the availability of "stuff"...

heading home from Mexico after a post grad year there teaching English, lurching to the British Rail toilet every half hour, belly swollen with what later proved to be a large intestinal worm...or worms, plus who knows what other parasites...

heading "home" - now, home has changed...I am a mother so is my mother and father's home still "home"?

i have a newborn son, three weeks old, his dad has gone off with work to United States so i head "home" to mum with small baby.

to make a point, she provides a cardboard box lined with old blankets - "it is all they need"... he feeds, on and off, a lot..."not a problem so long as he is putting on weight" says mum.

but he is not...the health visitor has told me to get him weighed while in wales...i don't....i have niggling doubts, this is not as it should be...

now, years later, trips to north wales have been in the car, with one child, with two, with three...more often than not without their dad who is "too busy working", and later he is an ex so doesn't come..

so now, returning home to London on the train ex-Holyhead to Euston which I have picked up in Chester...

filling in the survey form about my child's use of a voice output communication device...that baby who was not feeding well turned out to have so many issues....

tick the boxes:

does the VOCA improve your child's life - yes

family situation - has having a disabled child affected your relationship - tick, yes

married, separated, single.... tick, separated.

it has been a long journey, many journeys...but now I am going home to my complex, complicated wonderful son, my two argumentative, clever, funny daughters, my life....

more journeys to follow, tracks travelled before, repeating that journey to North Wales with the children, even by car the first views of the North Wales coast still have that tug - see, the sea! the first glimpse as you speed (well not actually speeding obviously..) down the A55...which wasn't there on those first train journeys, it was a long and winding coast road then....the sea view never fails to disappoint....

today, new tracks to find and follow...seeing the girls begin that journey of life, see them begining to discover, to plan their futures; seeing my son grow physically into an adolescent teenager, planning (for him) his journey into adulthood...

there is comfort in knowing that the ritual of journeys to North Wales will continue for some time...

welcome to the club....

2009-10-06T22:37:00.006+01:00

of those who travel half way across the country to attend the North Wales police speed awareness course!

yes - hands up - we had all sped at between 33-39 mph in a 30 mph limit road...

taxi driver at Fflint station knew exactly where I needed to go - "been naughty then?"

but I hadn't travelled the furthest - they come from Glasgow, Brighton, Bath....

in my group was Mr White Hair - who had "been driving 53 years and never had an accident".

White van man, younger, shuffled sheepishly...

Mrs well-dressed-lady from Stafford said she had four boys in late teens/ early 20s - she was always telling them to be careful when they went out in the car but they now have the ideal retort: "you are the one on the speed awareness course, mum!"

North Wales police caught her on a mobile Smart car with camera...

oh well. the trainer was quite jolly and it was worth the £60...and we all left speed aware. street lights mean 30 mph!!

other clubs I have inadvertently not expected to join: special needs club, autism club, coeliac (parent of child with) club....dealing with a (ex)partner's severe mental illlness/mental health crisis club, angry and controlling partner club, emotional abuse/domestic violence...

there is a U.S based child neurology forum which welcomes new members thus: "sorry you have to be here - but glad you found us". there is something heartwarming about getting somewhere where other people understand where you are coming from, people who feel the same pain but are keen also to seek (and give) support and help....

Special Kids in the UK is a great place to be if you are in the UK and have a child with special needs...one club to stay attached to.

And another U.S/UK internet club I regularly visit - here are long-time friends, we have "known" each other (some of us) since 1998 as parents of children with hypotonia...we watch each other's children grow into teens - see ourselves grow too...

A week or so ago I met some lovely ladies from the "divorced and separated" club. we ate dinner, drank - had collective moans and a laugh. it was uplifting...

This week - I joined a book club. this one - probably the first club in a long time - I choose to join of my own free will. No links to my life other than a love of reading. It was great to Read and Discuss. nice bunch of people, meeting in a north London pub....set books to read now for next month...

life moves on, and new clubs to join....

still here...

2009-09-27T10:18:00.003+01:00

blogs in my head, no time - or rather exhaustion.

sent Ix off today with his dad and the friend who is supervising but exP looked very ill...he has been sending extreme text msgs, about "being all together again" which is just not reality...i hope the friend stays with and tells him to get help...

but at least today we girls can go shopping :)

contact with their dad been very mixed and mostly has resulted in tension all round due to changes in pick up times from his end, need to change to an alternate weekend schedule so we not dependent every weekend as at present.

finance - joint account heavily overdrawn due to exP's spending on refurbishing joint owned flat(s). now he says he has no money to eat... only option now is to sell both flats a.s.a.p and each take share of whatever equity...in meantime demands of £2000 per flat by December for sinking fund/refurbishment fund...

schools good but girls school closed for four days due to roof collapsing! sudden need for childcare aargh made arrangements with other parents and friend's friend's au pair's friend...

hopefully now back to normal. last week was school but no after school club - shows how much L needs that structured time to get homework done without distractions of little sister, TV and other goings on...

work busy, but achieved good media event and feel positive...

how to kill a grandad?

2009-09-02T22:29:00.003+01:00

monday. court hearing .

"i want to see my children every day"

"my dad, he is 82, he has parkinsons, he hasnt seen his grandchildren for two years"

thursday.
girls with M. M calls - N says he wants girls to go to his flat to call grandad it is his birthday.

ok, if they want to.
L says no she is busy, they at the museum, they dont want to leave. she will see him tomorrow, as agreed.

I tell M - tell N - I am happy to call his dad tonight with the girls. we can wish him happy birthday.

M says: N says No! "it will kill him" "don't you understand, he doesnt know that she has taken away my kids..."

a month previously - my dad calls me (74 year old, had a stroke)
- N has called he wants to know why you wont let him see the children....

it isn't quite true - they are seeing him. long story.

but is it age? over 80 you might kill someone with a phone call telling the truth?
if you can't tell your own family the truth - do you ever believe it yourself?

a summer wedding

2009-09-02T22:22:00.006+01:00

remind me not to follow the new tomtom down the m3 but take the usual quieter route!

so we went to a wedding - my little sister

Ix behaved impeccably
at dinner -tho did take walks after and watched portable DVD

girls had fun with family and cousins

summer's end

2009-09-02T22:10:00.007+01:00

It's raining. warm rain. getting ready for school. Ix has already started school and is happy with new class. His LEA have ordered his new communication device, woo hoo.

but during the summer we found a beach

a windy one

we had a room with a view

we walked we cycled we went to the circus

he was very attentive

to scantily clad girls twirling hula hoops

while girls liked the range of animals including

a high rise goat, monkey, llama, dogs...

not a beach....

2009-08-08T23:04:00.002+01:00

but hot and sunny Spain, with friends, lots of children around, small town with main square to have coffee with ice (me) coca cola/lemonade (kids) and crisps...afternoons in the pool, friend organized a local man to help with Ix, someone who has been working with disabled children, so it worked out very well for the afternoons at the pool.

(wondering just why we never went to the pool when we used to go with the ex to Spain? it was always a problem - too hot, too cold, too this, too that...)

madness ryanair, delays and extra costs due to too many kilos of luggage, vomits on way out but thankfully Ix fine on way back, tho kept asking for toilet - regardless of seatbelt sign on....skipped thru passport control avoiding queues, kudos to Stansted customer services for understanding that one tired autistic boy doesnt do queues. thank you!

back to work, one week, and playschemes, then off again!

wake up those muscles...

2009-07-30T21:38:00.005+01:00

went to new forest and rode ponies - suffered for two days after! muscles not used to it...
G and L loved it.

but was great and good weather.

Girls are great travellers, I so enjoy taking them places. On the train down to Brockenhurst, there were no seats, so we sat on floor next to bicycle rack. absolutely fine.... still cannot help hearing in my head what the reaction would have been from Ex: oh this is terrible, we should not have come, you should have booked a different train, you should have, should have,,, bla bla bla.

once we went swimming, when G was small, taking all three to the disabled swim session. so few people, everyone accepting...but the ex made such a fuss over the changing rooms, over the bags, over this over that....we never went again.

anyway back to the wonders of Brockenhurst - wandering in the forest, watching cars splash thru the fords...

lost in the forest...

Ix was at respite - D. took him there in her open top MG car so he was well pleased.

here, there and everywhere

2009-07-23T20:50:00.006+01:00

girls are off school, out and about.

weekend we all saw Going on a Bear Hunt live http://www.bearhuntlive.com/ which Ix really enjoyed, followed by bus to Disney store where he fell in love with a ariel toy. first time in his life he has insisted on buying a soft toy...

sunday Ix went with M to see his dad...me and girls went to animal rescue home open day and saw tippitoes from Britain's Got Talent!
<

guess the pest!

2009-06-21T14:52:00.004+01:00

we on top of the lice...

the mice have gone and the holes have been blocked..

so, I come back from a dinner out (rare ocurence!) and baby sitter says: "ther . is. something. in. there!" she thinks it is a dead something because there are lots of black flying things...lots of black crawling things.

G says: "look mummy i have been collecting some in a pot."

turns out they are flying ants. masses of them. i don't have ant killer but on my last trip to Poundland i bought a deadly kitchen cleaner spray (whcih you would not want to use anywhere near your kitchen: highly toxic!) so aim that at them and the hole they coming fom.

it works! lots of dead ones...

meanwhile, Friend who we were going to see yesterday has cancelled: her house is crawling with bed bugs and they will be fumigated on Monday.... she is busy buying new bedding etc...

rolling around in Wales

2009-06-05T21:01:00.001+01:00

so that is what the hamster felt like...

can we build it?

2009-05-13T10:33:00.007+01:00

yes we can!

a box...

hmmm...

some time later...

a bit small, so....

yippee!

this is more than just a climbing frame - this is a "built by mum" climbing frame.

with time patience and assistance from the girls.

and a lesson that: "yes we can!" - instructions, an allan key, time...

we don't always need a man around....

5.25 a.m.; 5.25 a.m.: why?

2009-05-01T12:46:00.006+01:00

i can relay on Ix to wake me up, daily by 7.30 a.m. at the latest.

but sometimes he gets into a routine - he wakes up, i look at clock; 6.57. next morning, same time, 6.57.

but this morning and day before: 5.25. a.m. not even CBEEBIES is awake...tho they do put a nice doodeedoodedoo with visuals up - you will know if you have tuned in before 6.00 a.m.!

so he wakes up, gets out of bed, grunts at me to come, puts remote control in my hand, then his communciation device to turn it on..then we sit and talk about the day, where are we going on the weekend, and which CBEEBIES character has lost what...

I try and get away with lying down and closing my eyes, but being autistic he doesn't even notice my eyes are closed...

(try it with a non-ASD child - they will immediately start saying "open your eyes mummy!!")

but he sits on me, grunts and grabs my hand to point to the device or a word in a book or whatever.

when he types and the device says loudly: "please may i have an apple" i have no choice but to get up...

at least going to bed is controlled by melatonin - it guarantees to get him to sleep within 40 minutes of taking it. which is a major difference from those long nights of being up til 11, 12, 1.0 a.m. with a child who refuses to sleep

but increasing amount of sleep is another matter...

not a teenager yet! maybe when he turns 13 in October...

but will try keeping him up later tonight...generally tho it makes no difference. once stuck on a time, that is it for a few days... maybe going swimming with school today will help?

aargh.....zzzzzzz.

caught up....

2009-04-29T20:59:00.003+01:00

completed my two quarterly returns Sept to Dec and Jan to March, for the direct payments for Ix's carers; yeh...

took a few goes to get it all to add up but did it. it always seems a daunting task but isn't once you get down to it...

phew...one less thing on the list.

tomorrow have to ring to confirm L's tooth extraction operation for 13 May.....

and do the gluten free food prescription ...

and more importantly, do the passport info for our ryanair flights to Spain - to stay with friend - in August. It did start off at £0.99 per ticket but add in taxes, luggage bla bla bla and it all adds up. but will be fun.

...and Rome....

2009-04-26T23:32:00.012+01:00

intense planning paid off:

packing done, picked up Ix from playscheme central London and up towards M25 to drop off at respite; drive back to leave car, pick up luggage. train to Gatwick; plenty of time for eating...plane then taxi organized by hotel, who had emailed to ask if I needed it. not cheapest way but needs must on a late flight...

so a late night but ready and eager the next day for sightseeing, meeting up with Sister and BIL in the morning. who had travelled by train via France to save the environment...

L studied Romans last term so was excited.

G age six was happppy to wander, see, too.

coloseo fun for all...

G particularly liked walking on the "big cockle stones" - "can we go again please?"

and the "mouth of truth" was a big hit

you cannot beat Italian gelati:

we climbed many steps... the Spanish ones of course

and spent time in the park, including on hire bikes

It was a great trip - the Sunday we got up, had breakfast, packed, paid, took train to airport - just missed one train and got stuck in security queues but boarded flight just in time.

arrived back - Ix had been picked up by his carer and was absolutely fine.

could we have done Rome with him?

yes - with a carer in tow, with plenty of downtime with DVD, computer, wholly organized, less "oh let's go this way...".

but ultimately, his needs are different and it is OK to spend time differently - and with the other two. who also need some "attention".

While he was well cared for and happpy in his own room at respite residence, and with a routine he knows well.

"I went to bed at respite" he told me proudly on his computer when we were all back and ready for bed at home again.

It is all about creating memories, good memories, good times...

they were the best of travelling companions, with each other, with me.

will do it again sometime!

next holidays will be with Ix, based around his needs as well as the girls; but the way is open to take advantage of the residential respite and go on many more mini-adventures...

catch up quack

2009-04-26T23:21:00.006+01:00

London duck tour - early April.

with medical students who take Ix out, part of a wonderful programme which will help future doctors become more aware of disabilities.

G was out with friends for the day so went with L and Ix, students and their partners...

London views

After, Macdonalds then wander down southbank, meeting weird and wonderful people en route:

and the clear favourite:

seems we will HAVE to go to Eurodisney soon...

catching up with myself...

2009-04-26T23:17:00.005+01:00

behind ...need to get quarterly direct payments returns done by end April... is an hour or so but a clear hour sat with the paperwork...impossible!

aargh....

not sure where time goes, but have been pottering in garden, making most of sun! planitng potato tubers with girls, out and about....

and the children had first supervised contact session with their dad saturday, which seemed to go ok.

so there was two hours free for ME...- hmmm - paperwork - or quick look round primark, poundland and a cappuccino in nice cafe?

is a no-brainer...

"I went to bed at the night"

2009-04-13T22:29:00.004+01:00

early in the morning...dragged to lounge, put on CBEEBIES.

turn on Ix's communication device - he always asks for it first thing.

begin usual conversation -

"aunty M has a purple car nissan micra"

"go to school on monday"

"Sunday go visit friends"

"let's go to P's house"

"peter lost his rabbit horrid henry took it"

lots of autistic scripts...some predictive typing, some set stored phrases.

"may I have some crunchy nut cornflakes please"

then i go to make my tea, he sits on floor near tv to watch "mama mirabelles home movies adventures" on CBEEBIES, eating his (dry) cornflakes.

they are talking about nocturnal creatures who sleep in the day; and those creatures who sleep in the night. the owl sleeps in the day. the tiger sleeps at night...

he types...

brings to me:

"I went to bed at the night"

with predictive he has actually typed "I we.. to be.. at th. ni..." but he has chosen the words...

a near perfect sentence, topical, a comment

very proud :)

craving....

2009-04-10T23:00:00.003+01:00

a child who wakes at 6 a.m. and is just about persuaded to stay in bed til 7.30 as is holidays...

routinely wakes at 7.00 a.m. latest 7.30 a.m. - is a good alarm clock - but on weekends: 6.00 a.m. why?

get up, put on CBEEBIES, put food....slump on sofa, close eyes...

never sleeps in on a weekend. maybe when he really becomes a teenager?

so yes i should go to bed earlier but need some "me time" too....aaarghzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

the party...

2009-03-31T23:23:00.004+01:00

was attended by an owl

an armadillo

a very large cockroach, a tarantula, bat and more.

and of course, the snake...

we had a great time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NINE YEARS OLD !!

"all you need is love"

2009-03-22T21:09:00.003Z

your ex-partner (who you do not speak to and avoid communication with as far as possible, and who has indirect and supervised contact with his children ordered by a court due to his past behaviour), sends, via someone else, some gifts for mother's day.

they include: a frame with a series of pictures of the children, from before two years ago (i.e. before all the events which led to final separation), including two of the children with himself.

plus a book called "wedding season" - "all you need is love...". inside is a bookmark - a postcard on "couples counselling" run by the Alpha group. "how to build a long and lasting relationship."

is this:

a) sweet

b) scary

c) amounts to stalking

answers on a postcard please.

harry is dead...R.I. P.

2009-03-18T20:35:00.002Z

a loved pet...

"dear Harry,

we loved you so much.

now you are dead

and we will miss you"

from family

goat with "kids"

2009-03-17T21:48:00.000Z

goat with kids

2009-03-17T21:47:00.003Z

spring lambs

2009-03-17T21:39:00.002Z

spring is here!

at the city farm

and tired of mice

2009-03-10T21:55:00.003Z

saw one audaciously run past as I watch late night news and literally JUMP OVER the glue trap!

was convinced most scrabbling came from the hall cupboard...so cleared out the hall cupboard, to find droppings everywhere, including inside bags that had been hung up on high pegs...so they are climbing the walls?

so, I have a lunchtime date with Colin the pest control man.

meantime, score two - small mice in the glue trap in the fireplace. But small mice must have come from big mice...eeek!

tired of lice

2009-03-10T21:52:00.002Z

but perhaps the daily combing through is somewhat therapeutic...

but more tired with news that the teacher in the after school club has told the girls that they "cannot come to club if they have lice".

and if they do, then she will "cut off their hair with scissors" and she "doesn't need permission".

The problem, says, L astutely, is she "thinks it is our fault..."

what did we do before....

2009-02-23T22:52:00.003Z

indoor play areas?

This one at Woburn safari park ...

but we have several soft play centres within a mile of home. ideal for a wet Sunday or school holiday - not to mention kids' parties.

relaxed weekend

2009-02-23T22:43:00.003Z

21 Feb felt like spring, sunny, warm....

Ix went with Ml to his horse riding (riding for disabled - except she got lost and they got there too late! oh dear - my instructions not clear enough....)

I took L and G to Richmond by the river to eat lunch with my sister and bro in law, then we saw "Why the Whales Came" - a great piece of theatre.

Walk by the river then home to a tired Ix and Ml who had walked for miles.

Sunday Ix went for a walk with Mel and I took L and G swimming, then we were at home for lunch just as my Aunt arrived.

girls pottered in garden replanting bulbs and "weeding", Ix played CBEEBIES website and watched youtube... Aunt and I put world to rights.

monkey love

2009-02-23T22:38:00.003Z

14 Feb Ix was making heart cookies at respite.

I took L, G and G's friend P to Woburn safari park.

There was still snow on the ground.

As we drove through the monkey enclosure one jumped on the bonnet.

Then another.

"Oh mummy, the monkeys are mating!"

Lessons in love.

the flood (topped by ice)

2009-02-12T20:00:00.003Z

the snow pic

2009-02-12T19:56:00.002Z

and now the flood!

2009-02-10T21:43:00.002Z

now the garden is under water!

pic to follow...

and i cannot remember what is sitting on the floor of the shed...but am not sure if it is waterproof.... will the lawnmower work again?

Spring will come soon...

On the mouse front: one mouse, grey, caught in the sticky trap....

hard to understand....

2009-02-08T23:00:00.005Z

how someone can state before a district judge that they will do anything to see their children...then refuse to see them in an agreed contact centre.

apparently on the grounds he "does not like it". I have seen a pleasant environment - controlled, yes, and secure, but once inside a bright, friendly room with toys, books, etc.

hard to understand why someone told in court to stick to 8.00 pm for indirect contact on a Wednesday evening - can turn up at 0800 a.m. hours on a Monday, and, when reminded, on the Wednesday comes at 9.36 pm!

hard to understand how someone who has apparently accepted the need for contact centre, supervised contact, in front of a district judge - recognising they have had mental illness (after all, he persuaded his own GP to call me to tell me how very ill and depressed he was...), have had anger problems, have been violent - then sends a text message to his children on a Saturday suggesting they meet him in the park...and that we can "all go in the big car together"...

hard to understand why someone who now says they cannot afford to pay half the costs of the contact centre - as agreed in court - buys a £180 i-pod for his child and sends a text message saying "have now bought an i-pod docking station".

hard to understand how - after being reminded indirect contact is 8 pm on a Wednesday - sends a text message on Saturday saying "can I pick up the i-pod later today to test the docking station".

maybe is just being trying.

idea of supervised contact is to assess and for them to give feedback and recommendation on whether to progress to unsupervised contact or not....but if you don't go for the first bit you don't get the second...

but amusing(?), however, to learn that he has bumped into oldest child while out with his (the child's) carer...carer reports that he speaks to the child and refers to "your crazy mother..."

hey ho....

snow snow lovely snow!

2009-02-04T22:39:00.003Z

still some in the garden, had wonderful snow-time monday

- tho slightly flumoxed by knock on door from ex at 0800 hours - who is only allowed to come drop stuff on wednesday at 8 pm. snow clearly has strange effect on people...don't think court will view it other than dimly tho.

so two days off school for oldest; one day off for girls.

now so behind on work etcetcetc

things that make life easier as a single working mum of three including autistic child

2009-01-28T22:19:00.003Z

- robot hoover - leave it running in the morning and come back to look for where it has got tangled up in some wire - but full of dust, crumbs, and more!

- internet shopping, especially ocado.com (they claim tesco price match so it has to be good and the drivers are always friendly and on time)

- respite for Ix and good carers

- understanding employer, accepting life's crises and the need to rush off or arrive late....and that I will check emails from home, work late when needed etc in return

- friends both real life and internet - virtual support group friends have saved me on more than one occasion

The child’s view of separation

2009-01-26T17:32:00.000Z

Six year old daughter: “I wish daddy wasn’t distressed [depressed]. I don’t like living here. I want to live in the old flat. We can watch Boomerang [satellite cartoon channel] on the tv there.”

Eight year old: “But that is just objects. It isn’t the most important thing…”

Me: “Well, you know you are going to see him at the contact centre. If that goes well, and he isn’t distressed, then maybe in the future you will get to spend time at his house.”

Six year old: “So, the contact centre, it’s going to be like a test in child caring?”

Eight year old: “Yes, an exam…”

Me: “Yes…if it goes well, and if you want to, then later on you will be able to spend time with him”

Six-year old: “Hmm, yes. He does need lessons.
When we used to go to his house, he used to go to sleep on the sofa.
I wanted to play hide and seek.
I tried pulling the duvet off him, but he wouldn’t play with me.
All we could do was watch Boomerang.”

Eight year old: “But will you come to the old flat? If you do, you will just start with him, chat, chat, chat….”

Me: “No, if you are going out with him, I will just say “hello” at the door and “bye, have a nice time”. No chat chat chat….”

so are they human, too?

2009-01-23T17:57:00.000Z

A Real Boy: How Autism Shattered Our Lives - and Made a Family from the Pieces by Christopher Stevens with Nicola Stevens is a nice paperback which doesn’t have a “he was cured” ending - but does show how life with an autistic child can settle into some kind of routine – with the right school and respite in place. In the end, he is just a boy with a different view of the world.

It is more women’s magazine style light reading than the deeply philosophical, intriguing, but nonetheless upbeat, Joe: The Only Boy in the World by Michael Blastland which I enjoyed. Recognizing my own child in both these books.

I would recommend them both for insight into life with an autistic child with severe learning difficulties.

lice and mice

2009-01-20T22:29:00.002Z

aargh. had to get the pest control man in after finding six dead mice on the glue trap. and heard them squealing in the nite. landlady very nice, organized pest control. he has put more glue traps and super bait. since then - no rustling! maybe the catch six at once did the trick...

meanwhile, another lice infestation. and after one treatment, had call from after school club - "L has a severe infestation!". i mutter about having just treated her but promise to be good and re-treat...all of us.

we never had nits/lice in my day!

(in)dependence

2009-01-20T22:17:00.004Z

Ix is wholly dependent on an adult for most of daily life - when/what to eat, dressing (he can do it with prompting, even without but he would not care if he went out in pyjamas...). He is toilet trained but often needs reminding to go - and cannot wipe.

he knows what he wants and can do a lot, but he can't be left alone, as a typical 12 year old could.

meanwhile, I am dependent on a host of people to help run the days and weeks. His after school carers, his tranport to/from school.

school mornings are finely tuned - get everyone up, breakfast, teeth, dressed..all timed by cbeebies. during Big Barn Farm the bus calls (a missed call) and i take Ix to the bus. girls get ready and we jump in car to get to their school by 0840, drive back, park, hit tube to work.

last week the usual driver was sick and the replacement didn't know where he was going..i called the escort and it was clear they would be very late.

so..bundle Ix into car as well as girls, drive to their school, leave him in car, take girls to gate, back to car, drive to school. drive home, get tube -arrive late for work. school told me the others on bus arrived 1130 a.m.!

next day, i call escort after Big Barn Farm..she assures me she nearby and won't be so late. but they dont arrive til 0915 - meaning girls are late for school and I have to sign late notes. i am late for work etc. all so intertwined...

next day, bus arrives as BBF ends, phew..back to normal.

then there are the holidays, a few days playscheme for him, playscheme/friends for girls, all intertwined with who needs to be where and when. and when one link in the chain fails, quick thinking...like any family, but more so because Ix's arrangements are dependent on people who already know him - easy enough to call another parent to pick up girls in a crisis but you can't do that for him.

meanwhile, I have beome more independent. when living with the ex, technology was kept as a mystery only he could deal with...yet I've set up a desk top, installed software, and printer. easy!

nearly killed the hamster....

2009-01-01T17:05:00.002Z

rodents again.

got up for some water in night. felt something furry and alive under my foot.

eek.

swatted at it with nearest heavy book...then realised it was very furry -

and very definitely the pet hamster

NOT the pest mouse.

yikes.

was he dead.? oh sh&t....

..scooped him up and returned to cage - our visiting children had not put the cage door on properly.

thankfully he seems alive and well today....

I am not a pet person but L is...

a singular Christmas and New Year

2009-01-01T17:02:00.002Z

and a lot to be said for doing it alone... no griping hassling person complaining.

we all been sick with Xmas virus and i could not talk this morning! but overall it has been good - Christmas with the children, my aunt came for the day, opening presents, turkey lunch, chilling out...no hassles.

(except the ex called my aunt on xmas eve and harassed her as to why had she given me her car? she was not allowed to do so! he also called my landline and i picked up in error but cut him short. he claimed he only rang my aunt to wish her a happy xmas...after calming down my aunt said not to give him the attention he was seeking eg by asking him to refrain from calling - she has caller id and will be more careful not to pick up. he just seeking attention...)

so much nicer dealing with just the three children - and an old aunt - ....we've been in and out and had my sister visiting etc but two of the children had high temperature couple days...now I am exhausted.

a single-mum friend and her two children came over last nite and we had a good new years celebration. they stayed over and we had a nice day together today.

so eliminating the (moaning, griping, complaining, critical) ghosts of Christmases past and looking forward to Christmases and new years future!

L and the huskie!

2008-12-23T14:23:00.005Z

L and the huskie...Tradar...at Bankside Winter Festival.

Went down with M in charge of Ix, which was just as well as he wasn't interested in huskies and had a wander while girls had a ride on the huskies-pulled chariot!

walked across (not-)wobbly bridge past St Paul's then home again.

rustling rodents...

2008-12-19T23:51:00.003Z

last nite - 3.00 a.m. the scrabbling rustling sound of rodent.
get up, turn on light, check pet hamster safely in cage.
definitely the house mouse/mice...

day before - after zero success with humane traps, nicely designed baited traps, bought the sticky pads.

after being told in robert dyas - "we dont sell these the p/c brigade wont let us. they too effective. we had complaints"...bought three packs down the road in amy's ardware... success! two dead ones...

back to last nite...identified rustling from sainsburys bag near door containing chocolates for the teachers. whipped chocs from bag, carried rustling bag to sink, turned on tap full blast and drowned the thing; feeling like a mad lone mouse killler... ugh. needs must.

the Nativity - by baby Annabel and friends

2008-12-17T11:24:00.002Z

the girls banned me from their room then called me in to see the Christmas scene - lovely!

Christmas tree!

2008-12-17T11:22:00.000Z

the tree! gold star made by G.

S7 report...

2008-12-17T11:01:00.002Z

when you have a disabled child you get used to all kinds of acronymns, new terms and forms - SEN, SENCO, DLA, CA, blue badge, statement of needs, etc.

and you get used to seeing your child's problems laid out in black and white.
in the beginning it hurts, a lot....you re-read and re-read - is this correct? you dont want to know the truth...

as time goes by it hurts less, you know he has those "severe learning difficulties", "autism", "abnormal brain MRI", etc... certainly as time has gone by the reports on my son's needs are more about getting the right help than a damning blow and realization...I want and need them to say the reality.

the S7 (section 7) report sets out to the court the background to our case and the family history and recent incidents. this one hurts. i flinch when reading as i flinched at the time when he put his fist through the door, and reel at the bit where the girls run terrified into the garden, one pooing in her pants because she is scared to come in to the toilet.

with my son there was not much I could do to prevent the reports setting out his needs and difficulties....it was the truth.....in this case I can see opportunities where I could have done more, could have moved sooner, could have seen his lack of responsibility.

but in the same way that, given a child with special needs you "get on with it" and enjoy the good moments, glossing over the bad, there was an element of denial, of denying the bad times, because in classic "cycle of abuse" (see http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/dynamics.htm )style they were previously matched by ok or good times or attempts to make amends.... or simply that I could not face up to the reality of what someone, a father, could do...or made excuses as he did, his depression, etc.

no child should ever be terrified of their parents' behaviour...whatever the "excuse" is.

how did we get to a point where his own children express doubts at seeing him and certainly want to be safe if they do?

This report - like other reports that have helped my son get the education and support he needs - will help to move forward and focus on the reality.

I am not prepared to expose my children to unnecessary risks...it is about agreeing to supervised contact in a proper contact centre staffed by trained professionals or none.

the answer is to meditate.....

2008-12-10T11:26:00.002Z

"I do hope for our children benefit that with time you can meditate and see things differently"

I am all for meditation - if only I had the time!

but I think he means mediation. he is asking me to go to mediation, which is wholly not recommended when there has been domestic violence/abuse.

"Things which are not recommended
If violence has been, and especially if it currently still is an issue in your relationship, then Couple Counselling is not recommended. Nor is Mediation if you are going through separation or divorce. Basically the abuse itself has to be dealt with BEFORE any form of joint counselling or mediation can be effective, and in the meantime can, at best, deflect from the actual problem and fudge responsibility issues."
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/abusive_help.htm

clutching at straws...I went along to family therapy with him, Feb 2008 to July 2008, it failed totally, on occasions he walked out....I used the sessions to try and get the message across - we were separated. But I was willing to try and reach agreement on co-parenting for the children. But he was unwilling....in August 2008 he smashed my door and bin....

hey ho.

he continues...

"I wish I could change things round but I can not, sorry. I can only change today and tomorrow and that is what I am trying, but i will not be able to do until you change and behave differently"

very unclear what he actually wants me to change... he gives no specifics!
anyway, have passed onto my solicitor.

and the point is that we cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves.

we cannot change other's behaviour - we can only change our reaction to it.

I have changed my reaction - from years of trying to please, trying to help, avoiding doing things (buying the wrong washing up liquid, stacking the dishwasher the wrong way, etc etc) that would lead to outbursts - to putting back the responsibility onto his shoulders.

Meantime, have identified a local contact centre which has a very nice space, not so different from local library with books, toys and more. I will be happy for children to see him there and it is wholly supervised. staff seem very well trained and supportive.

oh Christmas tree!

2008-12-09T12:01:00.003Z

pic to follow.

busy weekend, Ix at respite Fri eve to Sunday. (he enjoys going there, asks to go when he has not been for a while), night in on Friday with some other mums; Saturday music class for girls then off to see Cinderella at Lyric Hammersmith - a wonderful dark and gory version including the ugly sisters chopping off their heel and toe to get the foot into the slipper! then shopping at Primark - needed boots for L, got two bags of bargain purchases!

Sunday morning bought the Christmas tree from a frosty stall at the top end of Hampstead Heath. (after years of artificial trees on ex's insistence, now have chance to smell the pine...).

girls had fun decorating tree and making "false" presents to go under - Ix has tendency to open any presents in reach, so we using this as learning tool.

he seems to be getting it - brought me one "present" (empty tissue box) wrapped in Santa paper and pointed at Santa. "yes, Santa will come, don't open it now, wait til Christmas!"

Sunday midday - dropped girls off at their friend's house so the mum could take them all to a birthday party, off to get Ix (via Homebase), came back into London, quick visit to friends who live round the corner from birthday party venue (city farm), then picked up girls - we all went to see the cows and roaming chickens, goats and turkeys.

Monday evening - unexpected babysitters (medical students who take Ix out from time to time) so a nice bit of time off for me after work....watching frothy film in cinema then a quick trip to (mostly) window shop in Selfridges...

child care and the disabled child

2008-12-02T11:30:00.003Z

was asked the other day how to combine working full time with child care for disabled child.... is difficult.

I had intended to work so did not see why that should change because of disability or special needs.

the first childminder, from five months old, was a disaster...as Ix's special needs became more apparent and the list of appointments with various -ologists and therapists grew, it became difficult. I would ring to say I would be late and to wait - she would go out and disappear with the other children. This was 11.5 years ago - no mobile phones!

changed to another childminder but it didn't work...found a great nanny share -the other child was older and at school so Ix had full attention during school hours, and K could take him to routine appointments and therapies, speech groups and so on.

when L was born I (not quite) managed for maternity leave with newborn and Ix - would sit him in frontt of TV, plus he was at nursery part time by then. (L picked up a lot from TV, the alphabet, etc - in fact her first clear word at nine months was "Bob" - as in Bob the Builder).

then through an agency got a fantastic nanny, T, who stayed with us for five years and thereafter did ad hoc child care. she was fantastic and helped so much with therapies and so on. the problem with nurseries, childminders - mainstream child care is they won't take time out to take your child to routine appointments. only a nanny can do that.... and there are only so many therapies/appointments that can or will take place at school.

At one time we had regular appointments with:
speech therapist
physiotherapist
occupational therapist

paediatrician
neurologist
gastroenterologist
opthamologist
audiologist

and various others, appointments with nursery SENCO (special educational needs co-ordinator) , home educators and so on...

when G was born, I kept the nanny (a fab temp replacement N, as T was in Australia) - I was paid full salary so it made sense.

as time went by, Ix settled into routine of school plus after school programme of educators/therapists (paid for by my work education grant) plus nanny for the two girls.

in early 2005, N (the now ex) left his work to ostensibly care for the children - i.e. picking up the girls as Ix was cared for by his home programme people. it seemed good - no nanny to be off sick, girls could be with their dad.

but as he sunk deeper and deeper into depression it worked less and less.

he would moan every day about the humdrum routine, travelling twice to school, cooking the "same old food" every day

"you are so lucky going to work"....

suggesting to him to utilise his day time hours productively, go to yoga, seek help, came to nothing... eventually there were days he was so anxious I had to take time off to care for the girls. He was seeing GP. homeopathic, autogenic training etc etc. but sometimes it was a case of him not getting or not asking for the right help, who knows...

fast forward....

now we live separately. me and the children.

today, Ix gets picked up by his school bus about 8.10. I then take girls to school, then go to work. Ix arrives back on bus at about 4.15 and is met by one of his three after school therapists. the gilrs are picked up by a carer and brought home. If I have a late evening either one of Ix's therapists or the girls carer will stay with them all.

school holidays largely covered by playschemes and extra hours worked by carers/therapists.

it is when a child gets sick that it all falls down...and if I get sick! or if the carer gets sick...

luckily have built up a few carers I can call on, and other parents from the girls' school.

it isn't easy... ideally I would work less hours, maybe 80 per cent..but now I am paying large rent on flat is difficult. when I can sort out financial arrangements with ex, it might be possible.

news from the group

2008-12-02T11:26:00.003Z

my fellow traveller in the therapy group for people who are separated or divorced has decided to reconcile with her husband.... I wish her luck! Truly.....

it was a small group of two of us so I will hold my remaining sessions for when more groupies join....

gifts....

2008-11-28T16:02:00.002Z

regular wednesday drop off (indirect contact) this week.

girls very happy to get - peppa pig's house and littlest pet shop house.

they had written to their father the week before to request these after he had delivered peppa pig figurines. well, i had urged them to write, but in the end they said theywere "too busy" so I said - look dictate to me, and then sign. which they did. I do not discourage contact but they are not overly keen on writing/drawing for him. not without a push. which I try to strike a balance between urging them to do so (when they know that I do not keep contact myself? perhaps is confusing.)

L age 8 said:

"mummy, if you had not sep-a-rat-ed then we would not now be getting these nice presents, would we?"

perceptive....

she always says the word sep-a-rat-ed like that. sep-a-rat-ed.

wondering if her young mind recalls the times he used to say (shout, stamp and scream) "the children got too many Christmas presents"? (they were not overly spoilt compared to friends). "there are too many toys in this house".

or the time a few years ago when he decided they had too many toys, just after Christmas, and scooped up half of them - without consulting which were old or new! - and took them off to local hospital.

who were indeed grateful...

I have constant clear outs for charity/other friends' children (especially the more special needs oriented toys), but still reel from returning home to find the expensive baby doll bought by the (favourite) nanny had been given away with no consultation.

view from the office window...

2008-11-28T15:58:00.003Z

pic copyright LA

when i get time to admire it....

tis the season to be sick

2008-11-25T13:31:00.005Z

oldest child coughing all night. temperature in the morning and not cured by nurofen for kids immediately....so call school bus, no school today. yesterday i had to leave work to pick him up at lunchtime as he had fallen asleep at school and was quite flushed..... but had hoped it would be a 24 hour one.

is a pain as today he had dentist* at school and a social worker visit. make calls all round including to work; put I plus girls in car, drop girls at school, return home, put tv cbeebies on and computer. check work emails.

is working parent nightmare, with holiday leave days running out before year end and no day time carer to call on (I know one who is definitely busy today...). Not to mention the lack of sleep issue which makes going to work harder anyway.

oh well. hopefully he will be back to school tomorrow. and virus won't go round, cross fingers.

*I attends a wonderful specialist autism school, which besides everything else has a visiting dentist (special needs paeadiatric dentist) and dentist room with dentist chair etc.

the dentist works with the children and their one to one workers to develop the skills needed for a dental inspection - sitting on the chair, tolerating the lights, tolerating mouth inspection and - this one is hard for I - actually opening mouth wide for inspection. Each small step can be hard for a child with autism and extreme sensory issues.

a vital life skill.

who snapped the aerial off my car?

2008-11-18T14:56:00.002Z

hmpph. new (old) car and the aerial has been snapped off. the only one in the street to lose its aerial....

usually after dropping girls at school I get to listen to ten minutes of Radio 4. on the way to drop the car before the mad tube rush to work (grabbing my cafe- latte-no-sugar at the local coffee bar - they know me now which is nice :) .

until new aerial is fixed I have to just continue with the Mamma Mia! tape which is the girls' choice.....

so sad

2008-11-13T11:21:00.001Z

three children gone, in the space of as many weeks. lost to families on the forum I frequent for families of children and young people with special needs. Two two year olds and an eight year old. Two very sudden, one after a hospital stay.

life is just too short.

sherokee ilse says:
Forget Me Not ©1993
Our little ones whisper,
“Forget me not,”
As their specialness wraps
Around our aching hearts.

Their short little lives
Hold meaning and love.
Their spirits have touched us—
Each and everyone.
http://www.wintergreenpress.com/forgetmenot.htm

Do I cause his depression?

2008-11-06T16:59:00.002Z

SoI got myself a new car.

And I also asked the ex to give me some of my belongings from the joint-owned flat to my and the childrens' rented home.

Which by the way we love, it is nicer than the old flat and has a lovely garden.

He did drop off a load of stuff. Lots of clothes going to charity - I lost weight, they too big! Yes, I did feel something, another sense of closure of the relationship. A sense of grieving at what could have been - but really wasn't.

Anyway, another text msg reads:

"You don’t know how much all of this is inadvertently hurting me. I feel you have been unfair, radical, brutal, unkind, unloving not only to me but chains me in my depression."

I hope he can bring these things up at his therapy sessions.

I am reading a new book:

It's My Life Now by Meg Kennedy Dugan (Author), Roger R. Hock (Author).

New car, new names?

2008-11-06T16:54:00.002Z

I have a new car! it is the first ever car I own myself as opposed to being a named driver.

My aunt gave me her old car, it is a sedan automatic and great! more room for the children.

So I gave back the small city runner to my ex (OK i drove to his place and ran away, dropping the keys in the letterbox with a note - here is the car back, you free to sell it. slightly furtive, but I had to go to work and besides, I don't feel comfortable in his presence.).

he sent a text msg:

"what can I say the car is yours and kids as mine! .... If you wanted it to be in your name you only needed to ask. Are you going to change the names of our children next?"

Not sure I follow the logic there....

So you must be happy now? You got what you wanted…

2008-10-30T15:30:00.002Z

Well no.

I don’t think any mother would be happy that their children may only see their father on supervised contact visits. It is not an ideal situaiton for them....but it is the only way right now. If that is what it takes, so be it.

I don’t think any mother wishes to end up in a court room telling a judge they don’t think the father of their children is stable enough to have parental responsibility. But so be it.

When depression/mental illness has combined with – with what? – to result in a fist smashed through a door, and much else, then something has to give.

The safety of the children has to come first. It would be nice to be in an amicable separation situation where the only arguments are over petty arrangements, you turned up late last week....but that is not how it is.

If you google depression plus husband or wife you will find many forums and sites. You will find those who suggest that leaving a depressed spouse is outrageous, you should stand by and support them. After all you would not leave them f they had cancer….

But this one stood out recently:
…. I've been told by many spouses that it would be easier to be a single parent than to live with a spouse struggling with depression, because it's like having a special-needs child in addition to all the other responsibilities.
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=526

Ironic…a special needs child. Well, I have one of those already.

For many years I would say jokingly that I had four children - three plus my ex. When he voiced suicidal thoughts, became more and more depressed and anxious – but refused to be on meds – it became even more miserable for me. And for the children.

Eventually, the violence exploded.

As stated above, there is much on the web about caring for your depresssd spouse, dealing with mental illness in the family, becoming a carer (I was one of those already, for my disabled son). Only rarely do you find a hint that – if things get violent – leaving may be the only option.

His clinicians did say: “he is responsible for dealing with this, he is an adult,” many times.

At one point his psychiatrist told me, in response to a long list logging various behaviours which had upset or terrified me – “this is not mental illness, this is personality”.

His GP told me – “nothing to do with his depresion, this is a domestic violence issue”.

But mostly it was about recognising an abusive relationship for what it was.

Depression is no excuse.

Recommended reading:

How You Can Survive When They're Depressed : Living and Coping with Depression Fallout by Anne Sheffield

was helpful as it was more about the fallout sufferers than how to care for your depressed partner. It also talks about the effects of depression (of a parent) on children.

Website: http://www.depressionfallout.com/

But the following book was a revelation and is now much-thumbed:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)
by Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft has a website http://www.lundybancroft.com/ and this article is particularly relevant in this post-separation time, as supervised visitation is established.

Assessing Abusers’ Risk to Children. 2004. With Jay G. Silverman, Ph.D. In P. Jaffe, L. Baker, & A. Cunningham (Eds.) Protecting Children from Domestic Violence: Strategies for Community Intervention. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
http://www.lundybancroft.com/blogs/?page_id=4/

such is life

2008-10-27T17:02:00.000Z

and time to blog it